Heart of abandoned mother: I’m lonely with my children

Beata Mukaminani, from Buyoga in Musanze District, was abandoned by her husband six months ago following accusations of infidelity. She says Jean Gakuba packed up his stuff and left to live with his mother. But Mukaminani, a mother of four, is feeling the chills of loneliness and tribulations of raising the children. I have been suffering with poverty for about 15 years. I lost all my four sons, my brothers, sisters and my husband in the Genocide. I would be dead if Jean Gakuba, who married me after the Genocide, had not supported me and given me courage and life. He was a loving husband, and we have four children together. The oldest is 12. Our fallout started when I found him in a lodge in Musanze town with a woman he works with. What they were talking about was disrespectful, immoral and with sexual undertones so I confronted him, but he was upset that I was overhearing his conversation. I was so hurt and upset that I just ignored him and took care of my kids. One day, he saw me texting his sister–he doesn’t want me speaking to her–and caused a scene; he packed his clothes and some furniture and left. I’m devastated. Being a housewife, I miss him so much I have been crying since he left me. I feel alone, and my neighbours don’t make life any easier with their constant mockery of my plight. Gakuba keeps threatening that he will ask the landlord to throw me out. I still love him, I just want respect. I have tried calling him but he doesn’t pick my calls. He went to his mother’s home and I’m afraid his mother will make him feel so comfortable that he won’t want to leave her. I’m so scared to face the fact that he probably won’t be coming back. I don’t understand how I can explain it to my young kids that your dad left us. I talked to his mother once and she told me that Gakuba doesn’t have to be financially responsible for the children because now he has to pay for other responsibility at her home. I feel it was my fault; I feel I drove him away. I tried to talk to local leaders to resolve our issues before he deserted us but things failed because my husband used to dodge the executive all the time. Now I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t come back. ******************* COUNCILS FOR MUKAMINANI According to Talasisia Habinshuti, Mukaminani’s neighbour, it is natural that you may be feeling regret about the relationship; whether you are regretting that it lasted as long as it did, that the break-up was as messy as it was, or that you acted badly at some point. “If you are filled with regret, then you are living in the past instead of focusing on the present and future. You will never be able to enjoy your life if youre focusing on what you should have done instead of what you want to do,” Habinshuti says. “Make an effort to be friendlier. Make an effort to be kind and more open with everyone in your life. You will feel less alone if you’re making more effort. Settle and look after your kids; he will regret. Don’t try to look around for the next rebound opportunity the second that you break up; instead, take some time in your single status . Many people in relationships would love to be single at least for a little while so you should look at it as an adventure instead of as a problem.” Go out and dance. Settle in your minds and just see what happens. Silvia Mukamudenge, also in the same neighbourhood, says men should respect their wives because “we are people like you.” The Bible says “Love your wives as just Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. You care for your body daily to be as well fed and healthy as possible. You quickly take care of any needs or desires. Any sexual desire as a husband should be cared for with your wife.” In the same way, care for your wife’s needs and wellbeing, feel your wife’s pain and illness and rejoice in her health as if it were your wife’s needs and well being. Feel your wife’s pain and illness and rejoice in her health as if were your own life. A husband must see his wife’s sexual desires and make supreme efforts to meet those needs too. Basically, her desire whether financial, physical, emotional or spiritual in your relationship must receive your full effort. Only in this way can you love her and provide for her just as well as you do for yourself.