When is the right time to tell your partner you are HIV positive?

A young, well to do man approached me one day seeking help for a problem he had. The problem was that he had found a nice girl whom he wanted to marry. He had been living with HIV for more than five years, a fact he did not want to disclose to this girl for fear of breaking up with her. He also wanted to know if somebody could give him a certificate stating that he was HIV negative because it would be required in Church before marriage. This, according to him, would be a temporary arrangement – he would disclose his status to his wife at some suitable time later. Unfortunately, I couldn’t give him a go-ahead but his intentions set me thinking. There could be many such young men and women in a similar dilemma. Not disclosing facts to a would-be spouse is a trend world over in all societies. But when the partner gets to know of the undisclosed things, bitterness invariably creeps into the relationship. If the spouse/partner is capable of moving out, he or she would do it at the first opportunity available. If for financial or social reasons he/she gets stuck in the marriage, the relationship can never be normal and the two of you will never live happily. You will continue to live below the same roof with no fond feelings towards one another. Children become unfortunate victims of such unhappy relationships. In the case of HIV/Aids, the issue of disclosing the status to one’s partner becomes more sensitive. Individuals fear that if their boyfriend or girlfriend gets to know of their positive status, they may walk out of the relationship. My advice to these young people is that here lies the real litmus test for love and affection. If a partner truly loves you, he or she will continue to do so, irrespective of your HIV status. Instead, he/she would feel more concerned about your health and welfare and make efforts to care for you. But if one is put off just by knowing that you are HIV positive, it is better to break the relationship before entering into wedlock. Due to awareness campaigns by the government and other concerned organisations, even a lay person is aware of the fact that even with HIV a good and long life is possible. Safe sex practice, i.e. using a condom, prevents transmission of HIV to the uninfected partner. Getting tested for viral load and CD4 counts regularly and taking the drugs as prescribed ensures that one remains healthy. Even if there is some sickness, it can be detected and treated at the earliest. People who ignore these measures are the ones who can infect others and are also at the risk of acquiring opportunistic infections and becoming sick. You can visualise the scenario. If one has hidden the fact that he is HIV positive, does not adopt any necessary measures related to it, the first risk is of infecting the uninfected partner. When a woman becomes infected, the children born may also be HIV positive. By the time one comes to terms with his/her recklessness, it might be too late and the entire family could already be suffering from HIV and its related illness. If one has a conscience, the burden of guilt of infecting his innocent partner and children will weigh upon him and never let him live peacefully throughout his life. Sooner or later, your spouse is bound to find out about your illness. If the husband or wife walks out later in life, it is a more miserable situation. It is in middle years that one really needs a close companion to share the joys and sorrows of life with. Losing a companion at this stage just for the folly of keeping an infection a secret is not a wise idea. Therefore, if you are HIV positive and plan to get married, it is ethical and prudent to inform your would-be spouse. This would ensure future welfare and happiness.

Lifestyle

When is the right time to tell your partner you are HIV positive?