I won’t date him…but you can

You know when you’re single and your friends make it their sworn duty to fix you up with someone no matter how many times you tell them you don’t need fixing? Yeah…well, my friends have tried this many times and I can tell you now, I really do not appreciate their twisted sense of humour.In those moments where I find myself single, I can’t help but itch to dive into the independence of it all – like I’m suddenly unshackled. But because my friends have nothing else better to do they figure introducing me to all sorts of God forsaken individuals is the remedy for their boredom.Joke number one. This guy must have had a traumatic experience or better yet, given up on life in general. He looked like the crossbreed of a drunkard, a thief and a man-child. Gosh! Imagine my horror when I dolled myself up to have a night out as a single lady and my friend came waltzing into the place with this – disaster – tagging along. She then rambled on about his achievements which judging by his appearance was suspicious. Joke number two. No words can describe the magnitude of this next clown’s stupidity. There is a chance he wasn’t breastfed long enough, or was dropped when he was a child or simply put, God forgot to give him a brain. The worst part is that silence was not an option for him. At a small get together, one fool decided to bring him over, thinking that I would be impressed by his stupidity. Well, I kind of was, I mean I don’t bump into this level of idiocy every day. He had a sense of humour in his own way but all that vanished every time he tried to sound intellectual. And lastly, the joke of the century. How do I even begin to explain this one? A friend gave him my number and he called me. He sounded smart so I figured agreeing to lunch wouldn’t be that bad. I asked my friend to tag along for support should he turn out to be a disaster. As he walked towards us, I almost dived behind the Bourbon counter. He had a stomach so huge I was convinced he had eaten his family. When he sat down, he said hello and immediately asked if I wanted chips! He then ordered for a vanilla ice-cream (cone) and I almost shrunk. Kids watched as the giant sat there licking ice cream like it had just been invented. He continued to order, from chips and samosas, to jam doughnuts and spaghetti bolognaise! That explains the atrocity he calls a stomach!I suspect I have no real friends. It’s either that, or I am one of these jokers because there is no way that that is the best they’ can come up with! If they are that datable, then please…help yourself!