Are expensive weddings leading to increased cohabitation?

If asking for a girl’s hand in marriage is considered ‘tricky’ for a potential groom, imagine how difficult it would be for him to explain to her parents that they would be living together without cows from the groom and vows exchanged? Cohabiting is still considered a taboo in Rwandan culture. However, with the alarming expenses that young couples will incur to organise their dream weddings, many are choosing to bite the bullet and move in together. Rose* has been dating her boyfriend for four years now.“During the first three years of dating we agreed that in the fourth year, we would tie the knot. In the fourth year, we started planning for our wedding but my fiancé got problems at his workplace. He was demoted and his salary was chopped,” Rose narrates.She says that despite the financial hurdles, they grew closer and didn’t let the situation affect their relationship. “I remember one time we decided to take a loan from the bank to pay for our wedding but my mother rejected the idea saying we would spend the rest of our lives miserable because of starting our marital life in debt,” Rose recalls. She adds, “We never planned to live together before marriage but I got pregnant and had to move to his place. This was something that my family did not expect and naturally didn’t approve. We have been living together for 18 months now with our amazing son. We decided that we would not let our families block our happiness.” She adds that the plans for their dream wedding are still on.Is low education causing cohabiting? According to an article published in The Huffington Post, titled ‘Cohabitation Is Lasting Longer, Becoming More Common, Report’, which quoted a Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report, more educated people are “less likely to shack up with a partner before marriage”.It reveals that only forty seven per cent of women with a bachelor’s degree were cohabitating, in contrast to the seventy per cent of women who had not received a high school diploma.The report used data collected from phone interviews with 12,279 women between 2006 and 2010 for the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG). All of the women surveyed were between the ages of 15 and 44. Men were interviewed as well, but this report focused primarily on the data collected from women.Forty-eight per cent of the women surveyed reported that they were unmarried and cohabitating with a significant other. The report reveals that cohabitating is definitely a stepping-stone for many on the road to holy matrimony. But that isn’t true for everyone. Forty eight per cent of first premarital cohabitations became marriages within three years. Thirty two per cent stayed cohabitating situations after three years, and 27% of cohabitating couples surveyed had broken up during that time.Trust issues and not wedding expenses?Bernard*has been dating Immaculate* for two years and he is planning to walk her down the aisle next year. He proposed to her with an engagement ring worth Rwf 200, 000. He says that they have been saving for their wedding for the last eight months. “I earn more than my fiancé. From my net salary of Rwf 400, 000, I save Rwf 100, 000 for our wedding. Hopefully by June 2014, we will have accumulated enough money for a beautiful wedding. The introduction ceremony and the church wedding will be held on the same day so as to limit the expenses,” Bernard says.He says, “It’s amazing that my fiancé is so helpful and I’m lucky she is not too demanding regarding the kind of wedding we will have.”Some men allege women are so calculating that they get pregnant in order to get a ring. According to these men, when the scheme fails, the woman moves into the man’s home and settles for cohabitation. Pastor Richard Gasana of Christian Life Assembly church believes that there are two main reasons couples live together. “It’s very unfortunate that one of the main reasons that young couples are cohabiting is because they are not patient. They feel they can’t wait any longer during courtship while preparing for marriage and take a year or two to plan for a wedding,” Pastor Gasana says.He further says that the cohabiting culture is something that is rapidly increasing amongst the youth in Mutara where his church is based. “Actually a wedding is not very expensive if the couple considers the resources available based on what they earn or have. The problem that has led to people thinking that a wedding is very expensive is comparing their friends’ or colleagues’ weddings and the need to have something similar or even better. With this, people tend to forget that they are not the same,” says Pastor Gasana.He adds, “This culture of comparing weddings and trying to impress has led couples to start their marital life in debt.”According to wedding planner Fredrick Ndagijimana, owner of Legaieul Décor, couples cohabit because they don’t trust one another. “I have been in this business for a decade and I will tell you the truth, people are cohabiting not because a wedding is expensive but because they have trust issues and it’s hard to find true love. I have seen couples that come here for my services and throw expensive weddings and just after three months, they get divorced,” Ndagijimana explains. He continues, “A young man looks for a young woman who is financially established and vice versa. Then they have issues about whether to combine property after marriage, who brings what and then who takes what in case of divorce. Disagreement then leads to couples opting for cohabitation.”The 36-year-old Ndagijimana says that he has several friends who have completed university and have good jobs and the money to get married but they are still bachelors. “These friends of mine earn more than I can possibly earn, their problem is not the money to throw a wedding but, according to them, it is the lack of trustworthy women to marry. I’m married and my first-born is in primary school and they are still single. I tell them, if you can afford money to construct a three bedroom house then you can and should get married,” Ndagijimana adds. He says he started the wedding planning business in 2003 and he can tell a couple in love by the way they select their priorities for the wedding day. “I can tell a couple that will have problems in their marriage by the way they communicate during their wedding preparations. If they disagree on everything and there is no element of compromise or sacrifice, then there are high chances that the marriage will not work out. More couples are cohabiting because of trust issues and not wedding expenses”.