Diet you said? Run Rachel Run!

I can’t think of anything I hate more than someone ridiculously slimmer than me crying about being ‘too fat’! Gosh! If I wasn’t a Christian I swear I’d brutally shove a cheese burger right down their ‘fat’ throat! Just so we are clear, I can hardly be placed in the slim category, matter of fact, ‘slim’ and I are from different planets – possibly not even in the same universe!Now, when a not so ‘plump’ individual comes around and starts pissing me off with their imaginary ‘weight’, I’m sure you understand my urge to snap a neck. Even more annoying is the way they insist on talking about all the strange diets of raw fruits and veggies they are on, reminding you of the fact that just moments before, you ate a huge plate of French fries (with mayonnaise), beef, and pushed it all down with a mug of full cream milk!Now, I have nothing against people who diet, and I have nothing against anorexic chicks either (sorry is that too extreme?) however, please diet on your own time, preferably when I’m not thinking about ordering for a cheese omelette! You are killing my appetite! Sure, I don’t want to wake up one morning and find myself in the Guinness Book of Records as the woman who outweighed a whale, but hey, God gave me a hearty appetite, and He also created all these ballistic things like brochette and nyama choma that keep tantalizing me. It would be shamefully disrespectful not to indulge!So while you are out trying to look like a Victoria’s Secret model, try not to get carried away by the wind because you haven’t had a serious bite in days! Also, when my brochette arrives, spare me the discomfort and look away – I know a slobbering eye when I see one. Yeah! You heard me. Don’t talk about your Brussels’ sprouts and spinach then glare at my brochette when it comes - you’re making us both uncomfortable (the meat and myself).As for my sisters who choose to count every calorie I put in my mouth, yeah – here’s the thing, you have forced me to eat in hiding. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories, sibyo? Or maybe I should eat standing up – that way, the calories will all go to my feet and I can simply burn them off by stomping on them! See what these chicks have reduced me to? Stupidity and a desire to eat under my blanket! Bummer!