What goes on inside men’s urinals?

APPARENTLY, in the same way that men have for generations exchanged knowing glances as their wives and girlfriends take to the ladies room in cliques, the ladies too should be interested in learning about their men’s washroom habits. Much of this curiosity centers around the urinal, no doubt. What can we say about urinals? Well, that they are not pleasant! Urinals are that place where you will meet men at their worst.And here are the usual suspects:The Long Ranger This is the guy who stands a good 3 feet away from the urinal when peeing. He likes to watch his own urinary stream make a long arc in the air, and eventually splatter in all the wrong places. Seriously guys, how hard is it to take a step closer to the urinal? Usually, his action is motivated by fear; fear of ruining his impeccable pressed suit or tuxedo. Other times, he is trying to avoid his fancy shoes coming into contact with the existing urine stains on the floor below the urinal.And that’s the irony of it all. In the desperate hope to avoid stepping in stale urine, he stands at a distance, inevitably creating the very puddle of piss he is so desperately trying to avoid.The ‘Spitter’This problem afflicts society generally, not just public toilet users. At the urinal, these guys go all out with some repugnant spitting; gum, snot, phlegm…you name it.And that’s not all. The spitting has to be accompanied by comical and loud throat-clearing and coughing. I think they partly use these noises to alert all and sundry of their presence, to announce that ‘this stall is occupied’.Talking of announcing one’s presence, there is Mr. Loud Pee. This is the guy who, when using a stall in a public washroom, aims straight at the water in the bowl and creates a jet stream of sound. This is the direct opposite of what men do at home, where they try to “pee in silence” by avoiding the water.The chatterboxThis is the guy who is out to break the golden rule of the men’s room: you don’t just talk to someone while they’re peeing. You could be standing next to your childhood hero, your best friend of 20 years or your own father, it doesn’t matter.The chatterbox is totally oblivious to this unwritten rule. He has to talk. And what do they talk about? Usually it is a bored observation about the weather, or a question like “how’s your night going so far?” I can tolerate the lonely banter of an elderly woman in a supermarket because I know that she is looking for that basic human companionship. Not in a urinal though. The invaderHave you ever been on an empty bus, only for this stranger to board and insist on the seat next to you, despite the free seats all over the place?Now just picture the same scenario at the men’s stalls in the washroom. Remember that in this case you are partially naked.Now there are times, like at a music festival, when the toilets are super packed and close proximity can’t be avoided. That’s understandable. But at a normal time when there is plenty of room, you shouldn’t be getting anywhere near your fellow-man! Standing next to someone is creepy enough.