Salon? Can’t I just jump off a cliff instead?

Contrary to popular belief, not all girls enjoy going to the salon. I for one hate it – and I have the scars to prove it! Sure, after I leave the damn place, I’m closer to looking like Rihanna but dude… the process is simply a pain…literally!Misery starts the second you enter the salon because people there gossip like there is a signed agreement telling them to do so. I’d like to think that boredom is the reason for this gossip but even when the place is swarmed with women trying to pimp their looks, they chatter on like their lips are possessed. You know that feeling when someone plays around with your hair or gently scratches your head and you just want to fall asleep? Yeah well, that’s not going to happen in the salon – at least not the ones I’ve been to.Now, I don’t know if I have ever offended one of these chicks but it is starting to get personal. I suspect a serious hater must have spread the word that my scalp is made of iron – how else can I explain the manner in which the wash girl tugs at my head? I don’t know the fool who told them that claws for nails do the job better - I am on a serious mission to find that person but first…let me deal with these b@#*%’s.To be honest, I am what you call a salon ‘slut’; I have been to salons from Kibagabaga to Kanombe to Katuna (don’t judge me on that last one)! Some are okay while a sneaky suspicion suggests the others are owned by former rivals or women who clearly do not appreciate the ravenous writer! One chick vigorously clawed at my poor scalp so brutally that four words crossed my mind ‘let’s take this outside’ – what was she, the wicked witch of Remera? And if you thought that was bad…you have clearly never been put in a dryer and forgotten. I thought those things had timers? I sat and sat and sat and did some more sitting till I felt my butt shrink – once I got up, other than the colour of my skin, my normally very curvy bottom had never felt so Chinese!I know sometimes my hair feels like the steel used to scrub saucepans hence needing stronger technique, but give a girl a break. Either state your beef or kindly tell me to take my hard hair elsewhere!