Please God, don’t let me be a toxic parent!

The phrase toxic parent was coined to describe parents whose own negative behaviour grossly inflicts emotional damage which contaminates their children’s sense of self. This includes parents who abuse their children verbally, physically and/or sexually, as well as parents who give inadequate care or ignore their children’s emotional needs. Sometimes these patterns of abuse are so frequent and consistent that the child starts to believe that it is the normal way to be. The child may then adopt the same patterns and then continue with it into adulthood and ultimately into their own parenting structures! This may not be the intended purpose of the parent but often both the effects and patterns of abuse are either not recognised or addressed. This is especially true for non-physical abuse. For example, neglect and emotional abuse.Verbal abuse from parents to children is toxic parenting too. Often this is not seen as significant as it can be accepted, taken for granted as the normal family behaviour. However, it can affect the children deeply, making them aggressive or bitter. In fact the impact on behavioral development can be devastating.I don’t want to be the kind of person who is so full of negative energy and carries it around like an accessory, letting it spill over to those around me to drench them in gloom, making them defensive and triggering all manner of aggressive behavior. I don’t want to be a toxic person. Toxic means poisonous, noxious, contaminated- and I specifically mean not to contaminate anyone. I mean to be the building and nurturing spirit. Perhaps even more specifically, I do not want to be a toxic parent.As parents we all make mistakes. Parenting is a constant learning curve. It is by nature a demanding fulltime role that requires huge amounts of patience and determination and endurance. Often parents have to live through some trying and traumatic times with their children. Indeed, most parents will agree that raising a family is one of the most stressful things in their life. Thankfully it is also very rewarding.Maybe it is the pressure that comes from realising that you have so much power to influence another’s life that makes the whole business of parenting so stressful. Sometimes the most difficult part about parenting is recognizing and admitting that our behaviour as parents and/or irresponsibility is due to the negative influences our parents have had on us, especially if we are conditioned never to criticize or see faults in our parents as it is in African traditional society.Parents with consistent negative attitudes to parenting leave a legacy of guilt and shame within their children and worse still there are parents whose outright cruelty would be considered illegal if it were to be reported to the child protection authorities or courts of law. Unfortunately, children of toxic parents learn to blame themselves for their parent’s appalling lack, and tend to grow into adults who are burdened with very low self esteem and poor self image.As parent’s we are tasked to examine ourselves and our method. If it doesn’t feel right then it is usually not right. Let us do our best to breakout of toxic patterns. That in itself is healing. The wonderful news here is that while the past cannot be changed, we have a future ahead of us that certainly can!