Old Bachelor: Things aren’t going so well down here

We are doing badly down here at the National University here in Butare; I mean, things are not looking good at all. Guys always ask me why in the world I’m in Kigali all the time. Well, here is a good reason. The ladies down here…are…how can I say this without possibly getting lynched…not exactly pleasing on the eye. Certainly, there are a few good looking ladies but anyone will admit that our campus hotties are nothing compared to those at SFB or ULK. So, now if you were ever wondering why you’ll find me in Kigali unerringly every Friday-well, there’s your answer. I’m trying to saturate myself with Kigali’s finest before I go back to the same ol’ same ol’ of Butare. There is a very interesting saying in the English language; it goes something like this, “a one eyed man is king among the blind.” In the celebration of the apparent blindness of our campus belles, some guy with a great sense of humor decided to introduce a Miss Campus contest. Now, I’m not against beauty contests. Far from it, indeed I’m an ardent fan - all those lithe bodies are enough to have me crowing and thanking God that he made me a straight man. However, notice that they are called ‘BEAUTY’ contests?They are trying to say that ‘plain Janes’ (we love you anyway) need not apply. I mean, if there is a job opening, and one of the prerequisites are a PhD, would an illiterate house boy apply? NO. Problem was no one gave the contestants this idiom. I’m all for equal opportunities but really… I’d never seen such a bunch of sorry looking beauty queens. Let me give you the low down. Somehow, I’m still bamboozled about it; I was chilling in Butare on Friday, without a single ‘gahunda’ to my name…and then it hit me. Or rather, I heard it on the radio. There was the Miss Campus beauty pageant and, best of all, it was totally free. I can’t lie; the free part did it for me. I mean, why pay good money just to see people prance around. If you want to part me with my hard earned money do something interesting like juggling balls while doing a handstand. Anyway, I got to the main hall nice and early and got a really nice seat. If I was going to watch a beauty contest I’d be damned if I didn’t have a front row seat. Trust Africans, the do was supposed to start at three in the afternoon but instead commenced at a nice and early 6 p.m. They had me sitting like an idle person [which I’m certainly NOT] and trust me, by the time the first lady made her way down the catwalk, I was mad enough to kill someone with my bare hands - figuratively, of course. Let me tell you a little something about the ladies. I’ll try to start with the good points. Umm…they were brave walking in-front of the entire student body…one had nice legs, another had a nice dimple, another had nice skin, another had a nice tummy. Enough of that goody-goody nonsense. Let me give you the real picture. I’ve seen better looking waitresses than the majority of the contestants! They couldn’t walk, they barely answered the judges’ questions and all in all, they made campus girls look bad. And like I said earlier….that’s not an easy thing to do! Well, at least justice prevailed. The least hideous won. And then killed everything by bursting into tears. Women! Contact: madogz2002@yahoo.ca