Relationships: Not everybody is marriage material

Penelope, 28, a teller with Barclays Bank, had concerns about her fiancé’s behaviour for quite some time. But she kept thinking things would change. The closer the wedding came, however, the more anxious she became. When Penelope decided to confide in friends, they thought she was just having pre–wedding jitters. They had never seen Mike act the way Penelope described. So they advised to go ahead with the wedding. What was Penelope to do? “The pressure was tremendous. We had sent out announcements, paid for honeymoon, even rented an apartment,” she says. And the fact that Penelope’s parents loved Mike only served to complicate her situation further. However, even surrounded by complications, Penelope chose wisdom over appeasement. “It was difficult for me to call it off .The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt Mike. I really cared for him, and in his own way, I believe he cared for me, too. But he had some real problems. And I knew if things did not change in the way he treated me, it would only be a matter of time before my feelings toward him would change. We either had to get it fixed before we got married –or not get married at all. So I called it off.” Penelope had another choice. She could have postponed the wedding and offered Mike an opportunity to deal with his personal problems. But apparently Penelope was not interested in a postponement. She had seen enough. So faced with the prospects of now or never, Penelope chose never and ended her relationship. And Penelope confesses now, “I have no regrets.” According to Dr. Donald Harvey, a marriage counselor and also the author of ‘Love Decisions’, whenever you are making a serious love decision, you have to consider what both you and your potential partner are bringing to the relationship. He advises couples to question themselves about their relationships. What are your differences? What are your similarities? How do your values line up? Are there quirks in your personalities? How have your family backgrounds shaped your lives? And what kind of adjustments will be called for if the two of you are going to make your marriage work? “All these questions, which address what you are bringing to the marriage, deal with compatibility. How well do you fit together? The primary assumption with compatibility is that each of you has the wherewithal to make it in some kind of relationship. So the question is whether this is the right relationship.” In real life nobody is perfect. Everybody on earth is a mix of virtues and vices, insecurities and long-buried injuries and this makes choosing a partner for marriage complex. However, while choosing a marriage partner is complex, by setting out qualities or attributes one is looking for in their partner the task is simplified. Just like solving mathematics equations seems very hard save for a formula to solve the equation, choosing a partner for marriage requires a clear head about what one is looking for. Marriage is not always everybody’s ultimate goal in a relationship. Therefore making your intentions clear to the person you are dating is equally important. This will help you not to waste time. Some people are in relationships just for fun. Stronger and lasting relationships are formed when people have the same desires for their relationship. There are also signs that clearly indicate somebody is not marriage material. For instance if the person in question has bad habits, they maybe drink too much, or are careless and selfish people. At times age also matters; teenagers, for example, are rarely ready for marriage. Take a look at your partner’s life; there might well be clear warning signals. If he has kids but does not pay child support or even visit them, it is surely a sign that he is very irresponsible and does not like responsibility. Furthermore if she has say two children with different men, she is perhaps not the marrying kind. And for men, if somebody is over thirty and still living with his parents, well this is a sure sign that he does not want to grow up and take responsibility for himself, much less for a wife and kids. He will not be able to manage the responsibilities of running a house of his own and certainly not be able to care for a wife and family. While we are all brought up to think marriage is one of life’s natural progressions, be careful, not everyone is made for marriage. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com