Relationships: When your parents hate the one you love

It will probably happen to you at least once in your life. You’ll fall for somebody that your parents don’t like. Sometimes their disapproval will be valid, other times it will be irrational, but no matter what it will be hard for you to deal with it. Gabriel 30 met Deborah 25, at a friend’s wedding ceremony. Deborah was among the ushers at the wedding. “The moment I saw Deborah I knew just like my friend, the next wedding would be ours, Deborah and I. Physically she had everything I wanted in a wife .She was tall ,light skinned and beautiful .I approached her and complimented her looks. She smiled and this gave me guts to go on,” says Gabriel remembering how his relationship with Deborah started. Gabriel managed to get Deborah’s phone number and the two agreed to meet for a cup of coffee after the wedding. “We met a week after the wedding at a Coffee Shop. It was then that we decided to talk about ourselves, our interests, dislikes and work to help us get to know each other better. I discovered we had a lot in common .We were both single (not married or dating), reserved and God –fearing people .And she had just completed University. I disclosed my feelings for her. She looked surprised but my consolation was that she didn’t say “No” to my intentions.” Two years later Gabriel decided to introduce Deborah to her family. “Our intimate relationship began that day at the Coffee Shop. None of us looked back. We increasingly feel in love with each other. Some how I felt Deborah was my gift from God.” But like the Bible says, “God didn’t promise days without rain” Gabriel’s happiness was cut short when he introduced Deborah to his parents. They rejected Deborah and advised their son to stop the relationship. They wanted their son to marry a woman from the same tribe. Gabriel by tribe was a munyarwanda from Ntugamo District while Deborah was a muhima from Mbarara, both in Uganda. Tribe was not the only problem though, they though Deborah was from a very poor home. This automatically disqualified Deborah as their “daughter in law “to be. “I was heartbroken, tried to explain to my parents that Deborah was the woman I wanted to marry regardless of where she came from or what she was .But my pleas fell on deaf ears. They told me if I went ahead and married her, I would cease to be called their son. Failing to convince them I had no option but to call it off,” says Gabriel. The challenge now for Gabriel was breaking the news to Deborah. “It was such a hard thing to do. How was I supposed to look into the eyes of the woman I truly loved and announce to them that it was over? For three good months after we had come from visiting my home I kept postponing telling her the true”. “But then I realized withholding this kind of information from her was not the best thing to do. I consulted my friends and they told me the earlier I did the better .I decide to break the news to her. I gave her a call and told her I had something to tell her”. Gabriel later broke the bad news to Deborah that evening. “Deborah broke and cried like a baby before me. For a moment I wanted to take back what I had just said. But like I believe the truth hurts but heals. I felt so bad! I started imagining what I had made her go through because I wanted to marry her.” Apparently at the beginning of their relationship Gabriel(for reasons best known to him) had compelled Deborah to undergo a medical check up including fertility and HIV test. All the tests were negative. “Much as I loved Deborah I couldn’t go against my parent’s decision. It hurt me so much but I realized I didn’t have a choice. It was such a painful experience ending a treasured and loved relationship. I called Deborah and explained to her what had happened. That was the last day we met.” Eight months down the road, Gabriel has not healed, “I think I will never marry. I feel I can never find a woman like Deborah again.” Gabriel laments. For a second put your self in Gabriel’s shoes! What if your parents forced you out of a relationship you truly treasured? What do you do when your parents can’t stand the person you’re dating (yet you intend to spend the rest of your life with them)? Before taking on the role of diplomat, or even worse the role of family agitator, there are some things that you need to examine. You need to take an honest look at your romantic motivations and the reasons for your parents’ objections. Set up a time to talk to your parents, do not just bring it up over dinner but make an actual appointment and tell them that you have something important to discuss with them. Really listen to what your parents have to say. Even if you do not like what they are saying hold back your anger and keep your ears and mind open. Avoid shutting down or growing frustrated. However, it is equally important to examine your parents’ objection. Sometimes you have to fight for love. If your parents don’t like the person you love you will definitely have a fight on your hands. It is important for you understand where your parents are coming from and why they disapprove of the relationship. When you know why they object to your relationship you will be better able to reason with them and stand up for your love. “Parents are not always right. Objections based on tribalism, racism, classism, religious bias or homophobia are not acceptable. While your parents may have the best of intentions with these types of objections you need to hold your ground and not give in to their bigotry,” Says Kathy Kuteesa,35 a graduate of psychology. “Parents are likely to object because they fear for you. They are probably worried about how the world will react to your relationship. Being in an unconventional relationship can be difficult. Sometimes parents cling to outdated social attitudes. They hold on to ideas that are not shared by your generation. If this is the case, if your parents are trying to get you to conform to their biases, you need to stand your ground. You need to tell them that in this situation you will never see things their way.” Kathy asserts. However Kathy also notes that there are times when the parents are right but because “Love is blind “the person in love may not see any flaws in their partner at that time. It makes sense listening to parents’ advice if they are right because they always wish the best for their children. The bottom line is that love doesn’t always make sense. People fall in love for many different reasons. Opposites can attract and people can find themselves in relationships that look weird to the outside world. When you find love it can make anything seem possible. When your parents object to your love it can feel like they just don’t understand. It can be confusing and upsetting. You love your parents but your relationship is important to you as well. If you are in a good and loving relationship you will do whatever it takes to protect it, even go against your parents. When love gets shady you need to rethink the relationship. You should never lose your life when you fall in love. Friends, family, hobbies and school are all still important. Being in love should not mean you give these things up. If your love is making you lose yourself it’s time for a change. Your parents only want to see you happy. They don’t want to see you struggling or making decisions that will complicate your life. Understand that they have your best interests at heart and keep the lines of communication open. Be honest with them about how you feel. They may never like your partner but they can come to accept your choice. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com