When a wedding meeting saved yours truly…

The other day, I attended a wedding meeting at Olympiad near the Amahoro Stadium. The place was vibrant with loud music and merry making. It was on a Friday evening. As for us, we were holed up in a small corner trying to kick-start our wedding meeting. As I was about to order for an ice cold Tusker, the chairman of our wedding meeting surprised me when he stood up to release a prolonged holy spirit filled prayer. In his prayer, he proceeded to curse all the demons of corruption, infidelity and especially the demons of alcohol! I immediately withdrew my order for the beer and instead ordered for African tea! This reminded me of a similar incident which I encountered several years ago. It was about a certain chick that was with me in a drinking place trying to have a romantic dinner. The lady was frank enough to tell me that whenever she drank some beers, she suddenly became emotional. The problem is that she told me about it when it was a little too late. Had I known that she had this problem, I wouldn’t have ordered for so many Heinekens. She guzzled bottle after bottle until her problem surfaced. She burst out in prolonged sobs. She cried out loud calling out all the names of her ex-boyfriends who had allegedly left her at the altar stranded! Was I going to be the next ex-boyfriend? Phew! As she continued to sneeze, cough and yell out like a mad person, I sneaked out of the rather busy drinking spot where we had gone for the romantic spree. All other patrons looked at us with real concern written all over their faces. Some good Samaritans offered to help out. Some brought napkins to wipe away the tears of love. In the midst of all this confusion, I sped out for safety. But after several minutes, I came back to my senses. I decided that the best strategy was to stick around and work out a smooth exit gateway. Otherwise, if I was to abandon her immediately, then my name would be on her lips forever. So, I came back and calmed the situation. I begged her to leave but she stubbornly refused. She insisted on taking one last bottle for the road. After that round, she ordered for yet another bottle for the road humps. By midnight, she could hardly stand upright. I had to tip some waiters to help me carry her and dump her in the back seat of Aggrey’s car which I had borrowed. I then dropped her back at her SFB campus before speeding off for my much needed rest. It was at 4am the next day when my Nokia 113 cell phone rang. It was none other than my SFB babe. She had called to tell me how much she loved me and how grateful she was that I had proposed to her! WHAT? PROPOSED? Before I could put forward my protests, her units ran out. I waited till morning so that I could use a public phone to call her for clarifications. She must be crazy! I never ever proposed to her. This is a real trap, isn’t it? At 9am, I crossed the street to use the public phone at the nearest kiosk. When she picked up the phone, she was all over the moon! She sounded so excited! “Yes Diaspoman, I am so proud that you have selected me from all the other girls. So, I have just booked the venue for the wedding meetings. Bisous! Bisous!” Again before I could talk, the phone line was disconnected. Almost immediately, my Nokia 113 phone was vibrating with calls and messages. All the messages were from friends and foes congratulating me about my engagement. They were all supportive and they were all promising me both financial and spiritual assistance during this wedding preparation period. It seems I had been hooked. There was no turning back. I told myself that a man has got to do what a man has got to do! That is why I also sent SMSs to my friends thanking them for their support. I also re-confirmed the wedding meetings – time and venue! In my mind, I was already hatching a plan. I was convincing myself that I could collect all the money received from well wishers and divert it into something different. I could use it for a mushinga instead of tying myself to this mad drunk! That sounded just great! Okay, so we prepared to attend the first wedding meeting for Mr. Diaspoman and Miss SFB. We identified a cool location which would be the ideal place for all walks of life. It would be a place where booze would be flowing like water. So, here we were! The Chairman for the wedding meetings was none other than Aggrey himself. Aggrey proceeded to open the meeting. He requested one of our balokole friends to first lead us into a word of prayer “Dear lord, we pray for Diaspoman and Miss SFB so that their forthcoming marriage would last forever!We curse the demon of poverty! We curse the demon of sickness! We curse the demon of laziness! We curse the demon of drunkenness…….” It was at the mention of the word “drunkenness” that Miss SFB stood up in protest. She spat out in anger! “Why are you cursing our favorite booze? Is this what marriage means? I QUIT!” As for me, it was a miracle. The cursed demons had refused to flee.