Auntie’s corner

Dear Aunt Silvia,I have been married to my husband for eight years. When we got married we realized that my job is better than his because I was earning twice than he did. Since we did not want our two children to be brought up by maids, we came to a conclusion that one of us has to sit at home and take care of the children, while one works. Since my job was better than his, I continued to work while he quit his job to be a stay-at –home dad. It’s been one year since my husband quit his job to take care of our children, but I seem to have a very big problem at hand. He has started drinking heavily and spends money carelessly, to an extent that he has completely neglected the children. What do I do?Lily Dear Lily,In the African context there is nothing like a stay-at –home dad, as much as it works in some developed countries; it completely fails in most homes in Africa. This is because African men have been taught to be the main providers for their families, it does not matter whether the salary is smaller than his wife’s, his role as man of the house is clearly defined and he is still obligated to provide the best way he knows how for his family.In today’s world, things are becoming more complicated my dear; it is true that most of us parents want to raise our children ourselves without having a third party, whom we always assume is bad influence, but then do we have a choice when the living expenses have skyrocketed and both parents need to work? You might think that what you earn is enough, but you wait until the demands of the children go up as they grow; then you will know that no money is ever enough for as long as you have growing children.I am not supporting your husband’s drinking habits, but then give any African man a job to take care of his children, and see what will become of him. This is not because he loves his children any less, absolutely not! But African men were never taught to take care of children let alone going to the kitchen to cook. These are things that for a long time have been considered unmanly in the African society, now you can imagine what is going through his head. Chances are that he is not even telling people that he is a stay home dad-the version of the story might be that he is running a business from home, just so that he is not looked down upon by his fellow men.Let’s be honest here, you and I grew up being taken care of by house helps, and we also know that if a child is meant to be a spoilt brat, then he will be- house helps have nothing to do with it. There is a saying in Swahili which says “sikio la kufahalisikiidawa” which literary means if an ear is to go deaf, no medicine can heal it. I think you need to reschedule your plans in your home so that you can accommodate a house help even if it means employing a temporary one, who comes in the morning and leaves in the evening, so that your husband can go back to work again and feel like a man that he is.While on it, discuss how one of you can get home early and be with the children and help them with homework, after which you can prepare dinner as a family and have some bonding time with the children as well, as the house helps takes her leave in the evening. Also plan your weekends wisely so that you can have a family time together; and try not to carry your work home, if you want quality time with your family. You have to discuss this issue with your partner the soonest. Over drinking is a sign that this man is depressed and does not know how to communicate his frustrations with you, save your marriage girl. Children belong to God; he takes care of them - whether we are there or not. Don’t bruise your man’s ego-let him be the man he ought to be.