Mainstory: Kigali restaurants: When self service becomes self embarrassment

As an African man, I always move around not with just my African attitude but also an African appetite. Many times I have argued that Africans have got very peculiar eating habits that are always put to a tough test whenever they encounter Western style eating demands. For some reason, many Africans approach a meal encounter with a ‘Never Again’ attitude. We tend to eat each meal like it is our very last. Well it might as well be, if you consider the life expectancy in this part of the world. The fact that global food prices are now on the rise only serves to cement this kind of behaviour. The attitude of eating like we are rushing for our own funeral dictates in many ways the way we behave as we try to adapt to Western style eating procedures. Many Africans have managed to find their way around the fork and knife enigma. In many restaurants you will find fellows who give the knife no chance. They use a fork and when the plate has a sizeable piece of meat or chicken they quickly ask for the sink. After washing their hands clean, they go ahead to give the meat or chicken what a friend of mine loves to call a ‘rural’ approach. Such fellows often argue that the fingers came before the fork. They also add that five is better that four if you look at your fingers and a fork. Apart from those who opt for the ‘African’ approach of eating with their fingers, the moderates simply go for the spoon since it carries more food at each go. They do appreciate the effectiveness of the spoon the way they use a good spade during the monthly ‘Umuganda’ cleaning exercises. It simply carries more and is user friendly if you remember your Physics lessons on how the positioning of a pivot, load and effort make work easy. With the spoon a hungry African is assured of food and sauce for each scoop. Of late I have noticed another food related problem that many Kigali dwellers other problem that many people in Kigali are finding hard to adapt to. This is the phenomenon of self service. I am not sure where this idea came from but I am sure it was never proposed by an African. If it was then he/she must have been a Kenyan or Ugandan Member of Parliament. This is because allowing an African man with an African appetite to serve himself food is only comparable to the constitutional mistake in most African countries that give MPs the right to determine their own salaries. That is why Kenyan MPs are earning more money than MPs in Europe! They have simply self served themselves. A handful of restaurants in Kigali offer a lunch buffet where the hungry customers have the luxury to serve themselves. Blessed with an opportunity of a lifetime, African appetite meets the ‘genorisity’ of a capitalist restaurateur. This certainly sounds like the contradiction it really is. There is no way on earth that a money-minded restaurant owner can let hordes of hungry fellows have their way on how much food they can pile on their plates at a fixed price. To beat the hungry Africans at their game, small and largely flat plates are offered. As one who has done ‘extensive’ and ‘intensive’ research in the eating habits of Africans, I can authoritatively tell you that a flat plate is a hungry man’s first enemy. The reason for this is that it simply cannot hold much food. Using myself as the case stury, the studies have revealed that a plate with a depression is the best thing for such a scenario. With a flat plate in hand, genius sets in as the hungry African tries to fit as much food as possible before it starts to pour. Irish potatoes are particularly ‘risky’ because they easily roll off the plate once they feel it is full enough. The last hurdle is that of putting sauce on the plate. With a mountain of food, one has to skillfully pour the sauce through the few fissures so that it slowly settles at the bottom of the plate without pouring. I was at the restaurant recently and I realised how ‘amateur’ I was in the art of self service. After struggling to fix the food on my plate, I proceeded to pour the sauce on the plate. Since I could not clearly see where the sauce was going, I failed to establish just how much of it I was to put. With my African appetite, I put as much as the preying eyes could let me. As I walked away the sauce started its exodus off the plate onto my shoes. The journey from the serving table to my seat seemed like one from Kigali to Kampala. The waitresses of the restaurant were all staring at me making life so unbearable. Other customers also paused to look at me. I felt like walking out instead of sitting in the restaurant. The self service had thus turned into self embarassment as I had not one to blame for my troubles but myself. After managing to get to my seat, I finally realised why Rwanda is called the land of a thousand hills. I saw many fellows (professionals) with mountains of food on their plates. I could hardly see their faces since the food was in most cases covering their faces. To see me, these fellows had to peep away from the shade caused by the food load on their plates. With a mountain full of food, one prays that the table does not shake as this may cost him the meat that is hanging on the top of the mound of food for dear life. Thoughts of the recent earthquake may cause tears to a customer with a platefull. I have taken time to study the essentials of how to load a lot of food on a plate in a Kigali restaurant. Here are some tips. Walk into the restaurant with a mean face to show that you are starving. Head straight to the tap to wash your hands (you never know when you may have to rescue your piece of meat using these same hands). Pick a plate and do not waste time because they are all the same...flat and small. Now place some ‘hard’ foods like cassava or sweet potatoes on the plate. These will help to hold mobile foods like Irish potatoes and your precious piece of meat. Do not put too much of anything because you will not be allowed to move backwards to reduce on the rice so as to add more of the deliciuos spagetti. It is very important not to make eye contact with any of the people working in the restaurant especially the owner. These people are there to intimidate you so that you feel guilty about your efforts to fill your plate. If they look at your try and give them a look that says, “I am starving but I am going to pay for this mound of food.” As you fill your plate try and hold the plate in such a way that your hand is an extension of the plate. Your hand can provide support to an Irish potato that is harbouring intentions of rolling off the plate. After you have filled your plate carefully walk it to safety. Then come back to pick a fork, spoon or simply go and wash you hands. Trying to pick a fork with one hand as the other struggles to keep the plate balanced my lead to the plate tilting a lot but enough to poor the sauce on your shoe or even the food itself. Ignore all sorts of distractions as you load your plate. Ignore the ringing phone or that fellow a few metres away who wants to greet you simply because he went to kindergarten with you. He can wait as you finish more important things. I have to warn you though. Piling your plate to levels where you canot see other people sitting on the same table may cost you your job. After such a heavy meal, all your body systems will slow down and you surely know what it means when your bosss finds you sleeeping at your table. Such practices are best suited for teachers and traffic officers. These guys never sleep on duty because they are always standing! Armed with such skills you can now enter a restaurant and try them out. Do not forget to get a toothpick after your meal. This is evidence that you have eaten meat not peas!!! Bon apetit!! Contact: ssenyonga@gmail.com