Auntie’s corner

Dear Aunt Silvia,I am a married man and a father of five children. When I married my wife she was a secondary school dropout. I took her back to school and very slowly she managed to complete even her university degree, and eventually I got her a very good job. It has been almost a year since she started to work, but I have never known what she does with her salary because she can’t even buy bread or sugar. I pay for everything. Whenever I ask her to contribute and help me with some responsibilities, she says that a home belongs to the man so he has to take care of everything. Honestly speaking, I am overwhelmed by the responsibilities. I educated her so that in case anything happens to me, she will be in a position to take care of the family, but it looks like if anything happens to me, (God forbid) then my children will live a miserable life. What do I do?SamDear Sam,During my counseling sessions at my church, I have always advised couples who are ready to settle down that these are issues that ought to be discussed before anyone thinks of walking down the aisle.The first step to sharing the financial responsibilities with your spouse is talking about your family’s financial situation. Sit down with your spouse and talk about the basics of your financial plan: go over your investments, your long-term goals, your monthly budgets, your savings and checking accounts and so on. Once you both establish the situation and can agree on a financial plan, you can set up weekly or bi-weekly chats to track your status. These chats don’t need to be long affairs; the important thing is that you both are communicating about your money and share the same financial goals.I know such things happen in many homes; where women think that their money is just for themselves, but the man’s money is for both of them! It is very surprising to see women even in today’s world where we claim to have been emancipated; some of us still “detooth” our spouses. It is very unfair to let a man bear all the responsibilities alone especially in cases where a man has to work hard to put bread on the table. There are other cases where some men do not complain or rather have no issues with the little money their wives earn and feel they earn enough to take care of everything. But in a case where a woman knows the suffering of her spouse and she does nothing to help, then that is very selfish of them, and I say it’s a shame!There is nothing as good as having responsibilities. I want to believe that any normal man or woman, who earns a living, wishes to have some kind of responsibility even if it is upon self. How then can a woman who is working, be unwilling to spend her money even as much as buying bread for her children? Just because the man is there to do all that; I am disappointed.Our values and attitudes are often influenced by our own upbringing. However, the world is a constantly changing place and what may have worked 30 years ago, may no longer work today as life becomes increasingly complex. We are all aware that the days of the men going out to work and women staying home to run the house and manage the children is no longer applicable. All relationships have to find a balance of roles and responsibilities that work for both partners. When both partners work, getting the balance right between earning money, managing the running of the house and bringing up children is extremely important, to both spouses.What may appear to be day to day small issues in relationships are often caused by issues of responsibility and fairness of workload. It is important to work together to keep the balance right. Unfortunately in many cases, discussion about this issue usually takes place when things have become critical, when one of you is at the end of your tether and is more likely to be physically or emotionally exhausted. But then you have to find the right balance by taking the time to sit down with your partner and express how you feel about your current roles. This is the easiest way to bring about change. Otherwise if you continue to suffer silently it will bring you more harm than good. Chose a time to discuss all your issues when you are calm and not tired or angry; otherwise there might be some negative outcome.