My five minutes of fame

I’m slowly accepting that I was never meant to be famous. It just isn’t in the cards for me. I’d like to think I can sing, though my neighbours (and my bathroom walls) might strongly disagree. I look at wasted talent like Amy Winehouse (RIP) and imagine that given the chance, I could have done better - and I’m not into drugs so I would be totally focused.Some extremely nosey neighbour asked why I tortured my throat trying to sing and if he wasn’t about 80 years old, I would’ve smacked him right across his handsome face. Yes, he is old but hunky as well! So I told this ancient friend of mine that I’d been thinking about going on one of these reality singing shows, like Idols or The X Factor.Naturally, he hadn’t a clue what I was talking about. After a brief explanation, he laughed so hard I thought he was going to drop dead right from a lack of breath. You would not believe the nerve of that old man – he told me I was wasting my time and that I didn’t stand a chance even on the local scene. Rude as he was, you have to love the man’s honesty!Mad as hell, I went back to my house and sat there looking like an angered bull! I made phone calls and asked all my friends if I stood a chance. Either the old man was a huge liar, pulling my leg, or my friends will throw truth to the wind if they think my ego needs to be boosted. To figure out whether I had the potential to be the next music superstar, I decided to watch old episodes of these reality shows and, maybe, learn a few lessons past contestants. Like my elderly neighbour, some of these people left me in knots. I watched the good, the bad and the downright ridiculous! I refused to believe that someone could sing so badly (wait, that wasn’t even singing, more like squealing) and still think they stood a chance. One boy in particular looked so offended by being told he “needed to sue the music school he attended” that for one second, he looked like he was going to throw himself in front of a speeding bus the moment he left the audition hall. I decided that I was way too good for these shows. How could I be seen singing next to the likes of a man who just croaked like a hungry toad? But for the sake of my 5 minutes of fame, I have every intention of going on with my plan. However, when, and if, I go for auditions, I plan to sing as carelessly as I possibly can and in a foreign language to boot! I would give anything to see the look on Simon Cowell’s face when he realises that he’s being punked! That’s how I’ll get my 5 minutes of fame. Just wait and see.I felt so much better having decided my new plan of action that I even decided to do a brief acapella in celebration of my pending fame…until my neignbours who told me to shut up, rudely interrupted me.Twitter @Rgaruka