“When Ronnie and I split up, I didn’t know how long it would take to feel like myself again.” “It was rough during those months when we were arguing. I knew our relationship was in trouble. But I think the hardest part was the day we finally decided that separating was the only way. He packed his things and left,” says Dorcas, 28, who broke up with her long-term boyfriend six months ago. When a marriage or a long-term relationship ends, many different feelings surface from the different parties involved. “I knew our relationship was in trouble, but I still wanted to work it out. Unfortunately Ronnie wasn’t ready to do the same thing. Our problems weren’t going away.” “It was Ronnie who actually called it quits. I felt relieved but sad. I missed the way things used to be. It was hard to give up the idea of being with my boyfriend forever,” Dorcas laments. At the end of an important relationship, most people mourn, but not in the same way or in the same order. Whether you are married, engaged or dating, breaking up with a loved one is a hard thing to do. Breaking up often evokes feelings of shock, denial, anger, loneliness, guilt or shame. “Breaking up with Ronnie almost ruined my whole life. I didn’t know what to do about the situation. I wasn’t sure how to act. My daily life was turned upside down. I spent sleepless nights. I was in a daze,” “I would spend time thinking, what if Ronnie came back?Maybe it could work this time. I held onto that hope instead of making changes. I avoided looking for a new place to live since we had been sharing an apartment or making decisions about the settlement. I couldn’t even sleep alone in our bed. Instead I started staying with a close friend.” Unlike Dorcas, others blame themselves for the break up or even start dating immediately suspending mourning their relationship. “I thought we had a good marriage. We had difficult times, but isn’t that part of marriage? If only I had worked harder at the relationship, maybe we still would be together,” says Roselyn, 35, a divorced mother of three. “Breaking up with a girl I had been close to for almost five years was very tough for me. Almost everybody close to me knew about our relationship and maybe thought nothing would ever separate us. But Cindy changed when she started working after campus. I was told she was having an affair with her boss. I couldn’t believe it, until I caught them red handed,” recalls Albert, 28, two years after breaking up with her girlfriend Cindy. “I started dating right away. It felt good to be needed and part of a couple again. But it didn’t last. I was still too angry and resentful,” Albert confesses. Mourning after a break up is normal and necessary. However, it is important to be in position to control it and be able to adjust your life accordingly. “After awhile, I realised I wasn’t so resentful anymore. I got used to being single, not so embarrassed. I began to meet new people and do more things that I enjoy. I stopped thinking of all women as awful. Now I know that our break up was for the best. It doesn’t mean I can’t have a future with someone else,” Albert explains. Being fundamentally incompatible is the most common reason for breaking up, especially in a short to medium term relationship. According to expertise advice on relationships from, ‘The Relationship Gym’ website, “Normally in short term relationships because of the deep passion at the beginning (the infatuation or romance stage) you become temporarily blinded to the incompatibilities between you and your partner. As the ‘love drugs’ wear off you gradually become more and more aware of the ‘faults’ your partner has, until you reach the point where you find yourself trying to decide whether to leave or not.” “The last ‘when to break up’ scenario is when there are irreconcilable differences between the two of you. If one of you has been unfaithful and the other partner cannot forgive - or if one of you wants to live in a different country, or has decided they want children and you don’t,” the website reads. When dealing with a break up it is always advisable to be honest with yourself and express your feelings. Talk to friends, family members, religious leaders, or counsellors. Use techniques to reduce stress such as exercising, eating nutritious food, involving your self in hobbies, sports or volunteer work. Breaking up is a tough process that needs outmost self restrain for one to successfully move on. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com
