Diaspoman – You can tell that Christmas is around the corner!

You can tell that Christmas is around the corner. At least, I have been reminded about Christmas when my current employer sent us an e-mail requesting us for our shirt, trousers, blouses and skirts sizes! Ah, you mean you didn’t know that I am now off the streets? Yes yes; I have been off the unemployment radar and these days I answer to a boss who sits in a much bigger office than mine. Last week, he appeared to be in a good mood and that is why he sent this e-mail to all staff members requesting us to send him details of our body sizes so that he can procure for Christmas gifts in form of clothes! I immediately sent him my awkward size so that I could also benefit from his generosity. I hope he can find a decent shirt that will not show off my beer belly. In fact, he needs to emulate a certain priest who sent Aggrey a Christmas gift very many years ago! I tell you, that gift changed the life of Aggrey forever. This was a time when Aggrey was barely 14 years. During those days, he had never dreamt that he could one day become a mini boss around town. When he was a young lad, he used to serve as an altar boy. The priests liked him so much and when one of them travelled to South America, he mailed him this special gift. It was a red panty. When Aggrey received that gift, his mind went wild. The reason why his mind made somersaults was that Aggrey had never had that rare golden opportunity to dress up in a panty. That is why Aggrey was seen all over the school compound showing off his red underwear. That is also why Aggrey developed this idea of visiting the toilets and then always forgetting to button up his fly. During those days, secondary school boys dressed up in pair of shorts which never had zips. Those were the days when zips were regarded to be special products for the rich alone. As for the poor folks such as Aggrey, their shorts were decorated with several multi-coloured buttons to keep the fly shut. But for Aggrey, the buttons that were meant to protect his fly were always open for everyone to see. In fact, he even got to an extent of simply plucking off the buttons so that the colour of his underwear could shine bright. So, as he boasted around the school compound, his friends became envious. They felt left out by their colleague who, prior to this Christmas present, had shared everything with them. Now, they felt that he had taken a serious leap forward by abandoning the “Original” panty that all the other lads were used to. The “Original” panty that Aggrey and his friends had been used to was in a combination of boxers and a G-string. The material used was Nylon, which was sometimes referred to as ‘Solome’. Those were the days when the only shopkeeper in the village used to import rolls of Nylon tissue all the way from Mombassa. Apparently this shopkeeper also hailed from that coastal town and he was so famous for his Nylon sales that he earned himself a nickname; Mr. Solome. Villagers would trek from all corners of the village to Salome’s shop so as to buy themselves a few meters of the Nylon cloth. It was not everyday that the villagers visited Salome’s shop for Nylon tissue. Their calendar was well known to Solome and that explains why his shop was always out of stock during the months of January and February. Then in March or April, Solome stocked his shop with more Nylon as the Easter days approached. Thereafter, the shop would remain half empty until the Christmas days came knocking at the door. I believe that if Mr. Solome was still alive and kicking, you would find a long queue of people at is shop. Having saved some cash for the past nine months, the villagers cherished the month of December. This was the time for them to dress up in style. So, they would carry their Nylon rolls from Salome’s shop and cross the valley in a bid to visit yet another monopolist. This other monopolist was none other than village tailor. Here, the tailor would wrap the measuring tape around the villagers so as to arrive at the right sizes. As for Aggrey and his fellow playmates, it was real fun visiting the tailor. He would play with the kids as he measured the size of their waists and their small bums. Then he would patch up some makeshift panties for Aggrey and his fellow small gangsters. As I said before, those panties were a combination of boxers and G-strings. This is because the tailor thought that a boy’s underwear should stretch all the way to the knees. He claimed that such fashions hailed from America. Then he would slice off chunks from the sides so that they resembled today’s most popular G-string. Mr. Boss sir, please look harder into your coffers and try to buy me a decent Christmas present which can make me as proud as the then 14 year old Aggrey! diaspoman@yahoo.com