Last weekend I was privileged to attend a friend’s (Nyiramugisha) bridal shower. Nyiramugisha is getting married in 7 days. Unlike the famous stag bachelors’ parties (umuhuro), which are usually attended by family members and friends, with the bridal shower, men are strictly out of bounds. It’s entirely a women’s thing. However, the two informal ceremonies are important in the sense that they are what one can call a soft landing for the bride and bridegroom. At the ceremonies the bride and bridegroom-to-be, are expected to “lose” themselves for the last time as they are going to start a new life in marriage. It’s putting it on paper “I am getting married, hands off!” For instance a Nixon who used to be a ladies man can no longer be once he gets married. So at the umuhuro, Nixon sends out a clear message that “look girls, this is the last time you are having me to yourselves.” According to one Samantha, a white lady who also attended the bridal shower, “In Europe, it’s also a girl’s or women thing, but we don’t undergo all this therapy, it’s more about wild partying with your girlfriends, telling them how you met your man and why you chose him. But I think I prefer the African style, it’s more practical. In African tradition, a bridal shower is more about grooming the bride for marriage. A professional Aunt with vast experience about marriage offers training and counseling lessons. Any married woman present at the ceremony is given chance to share their experiences with the bride, before a ‘professional’ Aunt (masenge) can begin her tutoring. Among others, below are some of the elements highlighted at the bridal showers: “Men are big babies,” so you must always treat your man like a baby. Like a baby you have to treat your man with a lot of care, shower him with love and affection. According to the Nyiramugisha’s Aunt, when a husband comes home, a wife must make him feel at home, hug or kiss him welcome, receive what ever he has brought home and thank him instead of complaining about his misdeeds. Then, you are encouraged to provide him a drink and ask him how his day was like. “Ladies, this is what makes a perfect wife; this is what keeps your man at home,” she emphasized. Not the quarrels when he has just come back from a hectic day at office. There is time for everything like St. Francis once said. Men, like babies, demand attention and want their presence felt in a home. Unlike babies who cry for attention, love, care and affection, for the big man who can’t yell, “Big baby” will walk out on you once he doesn’t feel this. But is it all about love and affection? “Absolutely No” says the Aunt. There are quite a number of things that every house wife must do without fail to keep her home and marriage happy. One of these things is general and personalhygiene/cleanliness. Yes, this should stretch from the kitchen to the bedroom. As a woman you must be spotless clean, period. And what if your man is not as clean or dirty? My friend asked her. According to the Aunt, it’s the duty of the woman to keep the husband clean. She adds: “In the first place, if you readily say ‘yes’ to some body’s marriage proposal, then you should also readily accept the cost, after all in marriage the two become one.” The Aunt also cautions the bride to avoid letting the housemaids do everything in a home. “With time the housemaid may also take over everything around the house, including your marital obligations,” she advises that housemaids should never enter a woman’s bedroom for any reason. Another important issue is secrecy in marriage. She advises that problems in marriage must be kept between the two. No third party! Not even parents unless otherwise. The Aunt goes ahead to caution the bride about managing finances in the home; apparently finances are a source of troubles in many homes. “Your partner must know how much you earn and you must let him know about your new possessions small things like a watch, pair of shoes and may be a phone to avoid mistrust and speculations. All the new fancy hand bags and pair of shades, new laptop must be announced in a home to avoid seeds of suspicion.” The Aunt further advises the bride to keep a close relationship with her in-laws particularly the mother of her husband. She intimates her good relationship with her mother-in-law to her happy marriage. In most cases your mother-in-law influences the son’s behaviour. Though it’s not also good to keep your in-laws so close for they sometimes have their own issues. She goes ahead to talk about the wife’s girl-friends. She warns about wives who expose their husbands to very ill-motivated friends who, after sometime, start going out with them; this is a very disheartening act a friend can ever do to the other, but very common. “Have a limit on the way friends interact with your family members,” the Aunt adds. “It is also important to discuss the most appropriate family planning method as a couple and agree on the number of children to have. This helps to avoid problems related to some contraceptives such as less lubrication or low sexual drive.” The Aunt concludes her “lecture” by highlighting prayer as the most important of all. Partners should always pray for each other, but the Aunt insists that the bride to be should intercede for her husband and family always, a family that prays together, stays together. A bridal shower is usually crowned by a gift ceremony. Apparently gifts are expected to be feminine like perfumes, aprons, face towels, bikinis, make up and jewellery. As friends give out those gifts, they say why they justify their choices. For instance one who bought white underwear for the bride told my friend that she expected her to be pure all through her marriage both physically and mentally. A perfume – expected the lady to always have a romantic scent that is alluring to keep her attractive. All said and done, the bride is wished a happy and fruitful marriage. Whether they would save crumbling marriages today, is left at your discretion after knowing what takes place during bridal showers. Ends
