Relationships: The dreaded ‘second wife’

She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she laughs at all his jokes, and she knows all his darkest secrets ...and his wife has no idea she exists. She’s the other woman – his plan B, the one he keeps waiting in the wings. The majority of the men today admit to committing adultery or having another woman in their life even when they are married or in a serious relationship. Islam not only gives room for the second woman but also the third and fourth as long as the man is able to fully meet the demands of the women. “Eight years ago, somehow I conned my beautiful girlfriend into committing to me. Two years later I married her. But what I have learned after years of being in a serious relationship is that a man needs a woman to help him out not feel like an ordinary, everyday T.V watching bore .And that woman cannot be your wife or serious girlfriend,” says Emmanuel Rukundo, 38, an auditor. “I decided to have another younger woman to spice up my life. She is outgoing and keeps me settled in my marriage. I don’t stress my wife for sex or company, because I know she has a lot responsibilities at home as a mother and a house wife. And due to the fact that my wife and I are almost the same age, after staying together for all this time, there isn’t anything exciting.” “This girlfriend makes me feel young …. ten years younger and I am sure my life wouldn’t be the same without her. All I have to do is to make sure my wife never finds out, women don’t want to hear information like this,” Emmanuel cautions. As a matter of fact, no matter how perfect a woman may be in the eyes of the public, her looks or career never grantee a monogamous relationship with her partner. Most men admit to engaging in extra marital affairs despite the presence of their “perfect wives or serious girlfriends”. “I have a very beautiful and intelligent fiancée, but this has not stopped me from having another woman. Though I know there is nothing serious with the second woman, all I want is to just have fun,” says Freddie, 28. “When I first met this woman who is now ‘my second woman’, she was a young banker. She was the perfect contrast to my fiancée at home. She was full of life, sending me flowers at office, escorting me to hangouts and this made it very easy for me to manage my relationship with my fiancée who is always busy with work.” However, the road is not always smooth when men engage in these extra-marital relationships. According to Emmanuel who has had a couple of girlfriends, meeting the needs of the both women is a great challenge to the man. “In one previous extra marital relationship my young girl was always making demands. And surprisingly it was not only about financial demands but also emotional demands. She wanted me to be with her almost everyday in my free time yet as a family man I couldn’t. This created friction between us and later I decided to call it off.” “Sometimes I wondered why am in this. Why did I even need the attention of another woman? I mean, I know we’re genetically hardwired to think about mating as many females as possible during our brief time on earth. But the fact is there’s only one woman I truly want to spend my remaining days with. My wife!” Emmanuel asserts. There are no clear reasons why some men prefer to have ‘another woman’ in their lives. For many married women or girls in serious relationships, mere imagination of a second wife or another woman in their husband’s or man’s life raises dust. It provokes feelings of resentment, anguish and jealousy. Others are more accepting. “I know it’s very difficult to find a man who has only one woman in their life but for me, I would rather not know about it. I just don’t want to even think about it .If my husband has another woman, that’s none of my business,” says, Brenda, 28, a mother of two. While it is true that nobody has control over what goes on in somebody else‘s life including your spouse, the onus is for everybody involved to behave responsibly and respect each other’s feelings. It is always better as much as possible to be faithful to your partner. For women, it’s always important to let your partner know about your feelings when you discover they are involved with somebody else. Bitter silence can be more destructive than open hostility. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com