Diaspoman: When job offers came in with tough conditions

After successfully finalizing my degree course, I immediately took my mature legs for a serious walk. I walked all over Kigali looking for jobs. But the competition in the labour market is very harsh. Here I was competing with dot.com kids for a job as cashier or salesman. I almost gave up until my main man Aggrey arranged for a job offer! What I didn’t know was that there were serious conditions attached to this job offer! It was at this bank in Kigali. The boss of the bank happened to be a good friend of Aggrey. The guy was looking for a serious sales man who would help in signing up new corporate as well as individual customers. Aggrey convinced his friend that I was the right person for the job. He claimed that I had earned a lot of experience from the Diaspora, having trekked from country to country in search for greener pastures. The guy was impressed about my profile. He never even double checked my CV. That night, Aggrey broke the good news to me. He advised me to dress up in a top class suit for the interviews the next day. That night I slept a very happy man. Indeed, the next day, Aggrey dropped me at his friend’s offices for my mega interview. I was dressed to kill! At 9am sharp, I was ushered into a long and superb boardroom. The panel consisted of 8 grumpy looking men. One of them was Aggrey’s friend who happened to be the MD. They started to fire questions. It was like a game of ping pong. I gave them all the answers they wanted to hear; “Dear future colleagues of this great organization, I assure you that I will triple our customer acquisitions in the first 2 weeks of my employment.” I could see the old men nodding their heads vigorously. They appeared to be impressed. Then the MD gave me this assurance “Hey, it seems you have the ingredients of a good sales person. We are ready to take you but we have one more task – we want to see how you conduct yourself at high profile functions. So tonight at 7pm, let’s meet at Lemigo where we shall be attending a cocktail party for our clients. Ask the Receptionist for an invitation card” WOW WOW WOW! That was a very easy task indeed! I mean, just a simple cocktail party? What could be so complicated about it! Besides, have I not acquired the right accent from the Diaspora? Yeah! At 7pm sharp, I was at Lemigo ready for the cocktail party. Everyone was in a joyous mood. The guests were high profile people from big companies as well as government officials. It was time to dine and wine with the CEOs, CFOs, COOs and Ministers of the land. In the corner, the grumpy old men who had interviewed me earlier in the day were busy eying all of my movements. They wanted to observe how I behaved if I was to chew the post of Sales man. So it was now show time. Meanwhile the Lemigo waitresses strolled around with all tribes of drinks. When they approached me I picked a glass of Red wine. I started to mingle and converse with the guests. All was going on well and this prompted me to drink more and more. It was as if all the waitresses in the world were walking towards my direction. I guzzled glass after glass of Red wine until all the bottles were empty. Then I thought it would be wise if I would add in some few litres of J&B whisky. After some tots of J&B, I found my hand stretching towards a glass of Amstel. All these drinks ended up in my stomach where they began to perform a riot. The drinks fought each other and some of them climbed upstairs into my brain. Once the liquids hit my brains, the one and only Diaspoman started to behave in a strange manner. I started to shout at the top of my voice causing commotion. When I tried to walk towards the podium, the booze in my body forced me to kneel down. Then I started to crawl on all my fours. By the time I woke up the next day, I had lost my lucrative job offer. Indeed the cocktail of drinks ensured that I remained on the streets… diaspoman@yahoo.com