“Conning In the Name of God (Cont’d)”

As I was saying, there are lots of good “shepherds” or Pastors out there, but there is a more than proportionate number of fake ones. When this uninvited so called “umukozi w’Imana” (God’s Servant) arrived uninvited and unannounced at my cousin’s home and began wrecking all sorts of havoc on whoever was in the sitting room, it was a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon, we had just returned from church. On my way home, I had met my cousin returning to her place and given her a lift. As things turned out, the stranger cum “worker of God” gate crushed on us. She told us that God had sent her to come and redeem us. She introduced herself as a worker of God who had come on a mission, a mission indeed! Sometimes I wonder what these kinds of people are made of, seems they have a sixth or even seventh sense, how else would they smell out easy targets then? She began by requesting for a prayer session, a request my cousin willingly granted. My goodness, when she was praying, her mouth was rattling at a speed faster than that of a hurricane, she began talking in a strange tongue and was hissing here and there like an ISUZU bus descending the Rukomo slope on its way to Kigali! She kept repeating the same gibberish sounds for what looked like eternity. I was getting bored and tired of her. The thirst had already taken the better part of me. Since my cousin is a Savedee, every time I visit, I “kwizimana” (self-entertain) by ordering ARMSTEL on my own account! Here was a stumbling block to my throat washing. She kept rumbling on and on like a running stomach (sorry for language)! From nowhere, she began by demanding that we confess our sins to her so that we could be “washed clean” by “His Blood”! That is when I remembered the Padre and the sakaramento of Penetensiya! Being equally fed up the host turned against her and demanded to know what rights the “Pastor” had to demand for such! Seeing that she was not going to get far with us if she began being aggressing; she changed the topic and told us of how God loved us so much and that, “He” has revealed to her that, I was going to get a Big Job promotion accompanied by a huge 4X4 vehicle. When I did not respond, she asked me to say Amen so that the prophesy could come true! She informed my cousin that, she normally suffers from severe headaches and that; it was the work of the devil causing her that pain (Of course that is common sense, we all get headaches)! What really made me laugh was the fact that the mukozi w’Imana kept jumping up as if she had seen some invisible being! Surely, when my cousin went to the next room, the “worker” jumped up “yaje” (He has come), she explained that, Jesus had just passed by and gone to the room where my cousin was; meaning that the healing was about to begin. We were tired of such antics and gimmicks, we decided to request her to summarise her session so that we could have something to eat. That did the trick, she hastily concluded the session; maybe the hunger was doing her no good as well! We began by having a delicious meal and when we were done, I ordered for my regular drink. I was somehow taken aback when she picked my glass. I thought she was going to send it crashing onto the floor or pour the contents on me! She raised it on to her lips and took a huge gulp that emptied the contents of the glass (I almost cursed her with the four letter word) and then she proceeded to tell me how beer was just useless and an enemy of man! She told me of how she used to drink like fish and not anymore! mfashumwana@fastmail.fm