LivingLife: The Puzzle of Men & Apologies

I find that it doesn’t come naturally to me to apologize especially to those whom I consider very close, for some weird reason. Yet, it comes easy to me to apologize to strangers for the simplest of trifles. You might think you are like me especially if you are a man, so it is said. Men just cannot find the right words, especially when they are wrong to say a simple two-word apology. When I was younger, it came naturally, the ‘am sorry’s without any struggle but today, you feel the words stuck in the throat, literally choking you and sometimes, you pity yourself and the person you have denied that basic comfort of righting a wrong and you begin to wonder, what the heck? It is just an apology. But not last week, a work colleague from abroad took an email message with great offence and literally read me the riot act – on phone, not a pleasant thing, with all the fire, so much so that the words kept flying off the phone receiver, burning like red-hot charcoal. Imagine yours truly trying to put across a point to an irate woman thousands of miles away yet not wanting to irk the good lady any further - blame the ‘bad’ upbringing – no ranting and shouting at the lady, so used to say that blessed woman who had the untold burden of raising this chap who finds it hard to say sorry. I went on to write the apology and thank God it was received quite well. After, I gave it some more thought – why so easily. It went down, I realized, to the fact that the party in question was a business acquaintance, and much more because it was a lady, so much so that I never thought to raise the mannish bravado I would have unleashed on a wrong accuser (I hope not for some chauvinistic reason, God Forbid!). It even occurred to me that I had, due to the ladies’ anger, switched off the ‘no apology button,” which in effect means am a really terrible coward (shhhh – don’t tell anybody). But well, according to a study led by Karina Schumann, of University of Waterloo, Canada, it is not that men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing, they simply have a different perception regarding what they feel rises to the level of requiring an apology. “Men aren’t actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions,” says Schumann. “It seems to be that when they think they’ve done something wrong they [men] do apologize just as frequently as when women think they’ve done something wrong. It’s just that they think they’ve done fewer things wrong.” But a Times On Line article says that Men may know they’re wrong about something but often loath saying they’re sorry. They think it’s enough to explain what happened, or why they did something. But saying sorry makes them feel a bit pathetic. They see it as a weakness, not strength. Some experts say the inability to apologize can critically wound all of our relationships, from home to work. Learning how to properly apologize is a necessary step in moving from boy to man. So should, especially the man go around throwing apologies to every Tom, Dick and Harry because you fear to damage relationships around you? Nope, I don’t advise you to, except if you don’t mind passing for a fool. In fact, saying out your mind might cause some inconvenience but will save you tons of trouble later. But most importantly, once in a while, say it even without a version of that verbal mauling that provoked the apology from yours truly. Also, learn to carry some spine around, so you don’t have to pretend or show you are brave, instead of just being the real thing – be brave and be quiet about it. This Sunday, learn to say sorry – responsibly, especially if you’re of Adam’s sex! http://Twitter.com/KelvinOdoobo