When it comes to relationships and dating, we all know what double standards are—those policies applied in different manners when they should be treated the same—and whereas life isn’t fair, your relationship should be. Better Help, an online therapy platform, defines double standards as rules or principles that are unfairly applied in different ways to different people or groups. In an intimate relationship, this usually occurs when one partner has expectations of the other that they fail to apply to themselves. Double standards in romantic relationships can manifest in many ways, from money matters and dressing habits to sexual behaviours and roles within a family. The latter is something Eliza Hope, a software engineer, has witnessed. At a wedding she attended, the guests she sat next to, a couple and their baby, left her thinking twice about marriage. They had rings on their fingers and so she assumed they were married, but the uncooperative attitude of the man is what made her wonder. “The man was so selfish that he didn’t want to carry his son, even when the wife was busy with something. When the child cried, he hurriedly told his wife to stand up and walk around until he kept quiet, meanwhile, he remained seated enjoying the function. This left me thinking, can’t this man do what he is commanding his wife to do? Being a wife doesn’t mean that you must be the one to babysit all the time. You need a helper, that’s why when one gets married, two become one to help each other,” she says. Hope says that in this era, it’s still surprising to see a man carrying his child on his back while out, and when a man does it, everyone immediately labels him a good father. What bothers her is that when a woman is good at parenting, it’s considered as her job, or responsibility, yet men are applauded for going the ‘extra mile’ when they play with their kids, drop them at school, change their diapers and so forth. “Both parents deserve credit, and should give the same care and attention to their children,” she says. ‘The Unpopular Opinion UG’, a YouTube channel, in one of their discussions said that what women can do, men can do as well, and vice versa, for example, if you text your boyfriend, fiancé or husband and he responds right away, why do you get excited and even tell your friends that he texted you back immediately? It is just simple courtesy. The vloggers and hosts of the show also said that women are told and reminded to please their men in bed, but who is telling the men to please their women in bed or serve them. For them, marriage is an equal partnership. They also add that in most cases, when a couple isn’t able to have children due to fertility issues, it’s the woman to blame, yet sometimes it’s the man with the problem. In addition, they say men must also be allowed to express their emotions, cry, break down and not be judged, because they are also human and experience pain just like women. “When women are confident, and speak out freely, they are referred to as angry, and feisty, yet confident men are viewed as powerful and smart.” Brian Ishimwe, a businessman and a resident of Kicukiro, says that a married woman without a job is seen as ‘good wife material’, yet a man without a job is questioned whether he will manage marriage without having money to cater for his family, even when his partner has a good job. Such men are known as failures. “Why is it okay for a man to marry a woman without a job, but a woman can’t get married to a jobless man?”, he wonders. He is distressed by the idea that even when a woman becomes successful, acquires good education, a good job, owns some properties, but isn’t married, people quickly say that something is missing. “A person can be happy and successful without marriage,” he says. Ishimwe also adds that when women compliment men, it’s normal, but if men compliment women, it’s seen as sexual harassment, and some men in workplaces are hurriedly reported to human resource managers and at times lose their jobs. He adds that when a woman approaches a man, pursues him, and requests to date him, she is judged and termed ‘loose’ and ‘desperate’, yet men can pursue women whenever they want and it’s very okay. The same thing happens when it comes to virginity, he adds. “People attach women’s virginity to dignity, and purity, and that’s why women are encouraged to keep themselves pure for their husbands, yet no one is heartening men to keep themselves for their wives,” he explains. Solutions In Better Health’s article, ‘How to Avoid Double Standards in a Relationship’, it’s important to know that double standards can take many forms, regardless of the length of your relationship or the personality of either partner. For example, a person may want their partner to always answer the phone or respond when they call or text, even if they do not reciprocate that behaviour. This type of double standard can irritate a partner in a relationship. The more often these double standards occur and the more significant the hypocrisy, the greater the threat to the relationship’s health. As this behaviour persists, resentment and mistrust can grow. If your partner is setting double standards in your relationship, it may be intentional, but perhaps they’re completely unaware that they’re doing it. Consider the situation from their point of view. What life experiences have they had or what could they currently be going through that could cause this behaviour? Once you understand their needs, it might be easier to work with them on the issue. At this point, you may be wondering how to let your partner know why you expect certain behaviours from them. Alternatively, you may feel a need to let them know that you feel like they’re not listening to you or are taking advantage of you. The most efficient and effective way to avoid conflicts about double standards in a relationship is to communicate openly and honestly with one another. As part of this, you may need to consider individual communication styles, ways to communicate more effectively, and conflict resolution skills, the article states.
