Fiction: When you have to rob your in-laws to win their trust

There was a time when the only reason people got married was to pay off some debts, uniting enemy tribes or to have sex, that’s to say if your father owed my old man some dime, chances were you’d end in my arms when he fails to pay. If two tribes had wrangles, to re-unite them, one tribe had to give their daughters to the other tribe’s sons to marry as a way to wash away the odium. This also served as a security measure. If you are aware that your sons married our daughters, it would stop us from attacking you, for fear of killing our very own daughters and grand children. When tribal wars reduced, other motives for marrying sprung up, like for proliferation and then I hear love. But still things weren’t easy as they are today. Ways of impressing parents and girls were totally different, forgetting having a Kigali-Kagitumba long CV, Masters and PhDs were unheard of, same as cruising the gas guzzling Escalades and Beemas. However, being a tough hunter, fisherman or the best local wrestler would catch people’s attention. Thousands of moons later, I happened to visit a tribe not far from the land of the Hills where to get a bride you have to be a master thief! Yes, you heard me, a very good thief! If you spotted a lass you wanted to marry, you had to prove that you are man enough! That if worse comes to worse; you could steal and provide for their daughter! The only way to prove this is to plan, and put that plan into action by stealing a goat, sheep or cow from your intended in-laws! The same animal you’d present with the dowry and the bride is yours for taking! Another nomadic tribe miles from that, their girls and women are way physically stronger than men, to win a girls hand in marriage, you have to wrestle her in front of the entire clan. When I met a lady who made my heart do flip-back summersaults, I smiled like a goat on twos. “Thank God I don’t have to wrestle her,” I thought to myself. Not because she would put me down, I’m a man who is worth his salt and the only reason that could stop me from wrestling, if I had to would be respect. Well, this broad was no ordinary broad, whenever we met and I tried to tell her how I felt about her; she’d tell me “this is neither the right place nor time.” One day when I was almost giving up, she informed me that she lived with her parents and siblings, a dog and house maids. She went ahead and told me that if I really wanted to ‘talk’ to her, it had to be in her bedroom at her parents’ house! I was to sneak through the gate, enter through the back door and into her room, without being caught. She gave me a vague map of her house and told me to be ready and wait for her call. “Remember if you are caught on your way, you are on your own.” The look in her eyes confirmed that she was serious like a heart attack! Well, I had no choice, when the call finally came, I found myself as unprepared as they come. I almost freaked out! But I knew it was now or never! How will I ever face her again if I freak-out? I will surely look like the coward of the century. I steeled myself up, took a deep breath and entered the main gate. Today, I’m married to that lady, and sometimes I sit and look back with a satisfied winner’s smile but still can’t help thinking about the crazy things we do for love. martin.bishop18@yahoo.com