Diaspoman :Why some restaurants should have been closed years ago

Last week, I read in The New Times about the closure of some hotels and eating places in Kigali. According to the authorities, these hotels were not yet at the acceptable standards and hence a threat to healthy folks. This reminded me of a time several years ago when I tasted the effects of chewing food in dubious places. I used to find myself in old dilapidated petrol stations with a gang of people in search of chicken stew and sweet potatoes. And in the process, I got the real taste of “Amiba”! How I wish the officials at the ministry had clamped down on such places! Well, it all started when Aggrey took me to a hidden corner in Nyamirambo where he claimed that booze and roasted meat was being sold at a great discount! He urged me to go with him so that he could introduce his fiancée to me. That Saturday evening, everything was set. The evening was becoming cloudy and cold. We hired a taxi which took us downtown to pick Aggrey’s fiancée. At 7pm we had settled for our cold Amstels and continued to guzzle until the head cook approached us for our order. Aggrey offered to place the order on my behalf. He ordered for a cocktail of food. It included new names that I had never heard before – such as ‘ikidari’, ‘brochette and ‘Zingaro’. He also ordered for “ururimi”. We then went in for the kill. I did not know where to start from. I tasted all the types of meat and I could not decide on which was the best of all! They tasted so good that I simply chewed endlessly. I mixed all types and as time passed by, I sort of settled for the ‘Zingaro’. This is actually none other than goat intestines! I then crowned it off with 2 sticks of “ururimi” which is indeed a cow’s tongue! The night was simply incredible. Several Amstels down my throat and I was zonked like never before. I do not even remember how I returned home that night. What I remember though, is that the next morning there was a battlefield in my head. There was a terrible feeling – like something was pounding in my server. And it pained so much I could only manage to open one eye! When I eventually managed to sit up in bed, my stomach released a very big rumble in the jungle. Something just squeezed my tummy from side to side. I slumped back in bed helpless. Still with one eye shut, I reached out for my mobile phone and dialed Ruremesha’s number. This is my taxi driver who is so generous as to drive me around on credit terms. I summoned him home. Like the loyal guy that he is, he was by my bedside in a jiffy. Ruremesha slid his powerful arms under my back and lifted me like a paramedic! Down we sped to the nearest clinic. To my relief, the doctor was not very busy and so I was ushered into his small cubicle. Before he was through with his pleasantries, I tensely whispered into his left ear about my desire to visit the Gents as my tummy continued to misbehave! I guess I stayed in the small room for a good 30 minutes. It was a visit to hell! Anyhow I was back in the doctor’s room, where he asked me to lie on my back. He picked up a hammer-like gadget and started knocking my abdomen. He started from the left. To the right. To the center. He went on in circles and then stopped. He removed his spectacles and wiped his face. He then turned his face towards me and posed a question “Do you eat a lot of roasted meat?” No way, I replied. Why ask? Does it have anything to do with the sprinting tummy? Well, the full report was given to me in black and white: “You fellow, you are suffering from acute Amoeba caused by a cocktail of meat” Wow, I had never heard of Amoeba before. The Doc prescribed some tough tablets and warned me against eating more meat and consuming more beers. They were almost 100 tablets and their effects were immense! I rang Aggrey to give him the bad news. His phone rang three times but he wasn’t answering. I then asked Ruremesha to drive me to Aggrey’s home so that I could narrate my ordeal. Upon arrival, I was not entirely surprised to find him in bed. By his side was a basin half filled with water. Apparently, he too was suffering from that dreaded Amiba! diaspoman@yahoo.com