From the ‘old guard’ to the ‘invisible army’

After watching Tyler Perry’s “Why did I get married” for the umpteenth time, I realized something that ticked my fears. There’s nothing like having children that forces someone to face the difficult choices of life; whether it is attending the annual board meeting with your boss or annual birthday party with your child, whether to put the needs of your family first or your career in peril. As any woman with a child can tell you, the career-family conflict is not new to women. For decades, women have held down jobs while holding up families. What is new; however is that more fathers are starting to the feel the pressure and tension of career-family conflict. As we enter into this new decade, most married women work and the fact that , although women still do most of the cooking, cleaning and caretaking, as individuals and as a society, we are starting to admit that working mothers can’t do it all. Slowly but surely, we are starting to recognize the fact that mothers aren’t the only ones who can do the washing, go to the market, shower the kids and wash the dishes. You see, our grandparents counted themselves successful if they kept their children clean, housed, fed, and provided for. But today parents are less likely to judge themselves by what they do for their children like cooking their dinner and buying their clothes. Parents count their success by what they do with their children. So, fathering is now less about a role and more about a relationship. So, I guess this is good news to all mothers, not to mention all those who are thinking about becoming one. Mothering and parenting are not yet the same. On the contrary, when it comes to work/family issues, women still make most of the compromises and sacrifice. That’s bad news. The good news is that, while women still have a long way to go, the gap between mothering and parenting seems to be narrowed. I have a theory about that as well. If the men I know are any indication, the gap is narrowing because fathering pressure isn’t just about new societal expectations. It’s about something equally, if not more, strong and powerful. A self imposed sense of responsibility. Though you wouldn’t know it by reading the paper or watching the evening news, more men aren’t spending more time with their children because they are expected to; they are doing it because they want to. When. For example, my uncle’s daughter was born; he would never allow my aunt to wake up when the child cried in the middle of the night. Instead, I would hear my uncle walking up to the nursery and bring the child to her so she could nurse her without having to leave her bed. My other friend recently announced his resignation from the ‘Pint Club’ which would gather everyday at a nearby bar and push till late. He did it, he said, in large part because he didn’t want to miss one more minute, of being a father. “In the past,” he told us “when his firstborn Ramathan, started to walk and talk, I was never around. And this time, I see my second son take steps while trying to call daddy”. Like my uncle and my other friend, there are countless men across the world now who don’t define themselves in terms of career success. Who know the difference between being a manager and being a father. Between paying for tuition and taking care of the groceries. Between being a provider and being a parent. Unfortunately, unlike my uncle and my friend, these unique men are largely unseen, unknown, unheralded. I call these men the invisible army. These men make many meals at home as the deals they make at work. This is insane considering that am yet to be a father but for a fact I know I speak for a lot of fathers. This doesn’t mean that their work isn’t a big part of their life, it’s just that it isn’t the most important part of it”. For all the men who have re-ordered their priorities since having children, who know that fatherhood is not a spectator sport, this article is for you. And, the next time you find yourself experiencing a bad case of people wondering why you are asking for a work leave or running home after work without passing by the nearest bar to have dinner with your family, remember this; No one on his deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time on my business’. jeav202@yahoo.com