Diaspoman: When I first tasted the harsh realities of tests

The other day, I was visiting a colleague at his home in Kicuciro. It was a Sunday morning. My friend happened to have gone to church with his wife. But his 2 children were at home seriously revising for exams. The kids saw me and started lamenting how difficult it was for them to cope with the books and the examinations that go with them. I calmed them down and asked them to listen to the story of my short life at SFB where I happen to be completing my mature course in order to earn myself a degree. But before I could give them this story, would they quickly dash to the refrigerator and open up an ice cold Tusker Beer for uncle Diaspoman? Good Good – so, here was my story concerning my first exam attempt at SFB several moons ago! I had enrolled for this mature entrance in anticipation that I would be working in a Bank from where I would benefit by getting soft loans. I had been told that my graduation day would open up opportunities for me to join certain circles in society where some unique words would be sprouting out from our learned mouths. That is to say that I would be dining and wining at cocktail parties with big shots from the Government and international circles. I would be punctuating my conversation with such words as; inflation rates, interest rates, exchange rates plus any other different rates. With such words emanating from my mouth, I guess that my curriculum vitae would be expanding in size and in content. But in order to achieve this vision of mine, I had to first overcome some hurdles. The first hurdle that I was faced with was the dreaded class test. Our lecturers had informed us that class tests would contribute towards our final score. Therefore, as students at SFB, we had to sit for these tests in order to assure ourselves a promotion to the next semester. However, I quickly realized that it was the tough guys who finally make it to the champion’s league of SFB. This realization came to pass when I boldly entered the exam room with my pocket full of items. These items ranged from pencils, pens, rulers, rubbers and a pocket size bible. I did not usually go for Sunday church service due to the hangover from the previous nights. But when I was in a dire need for something, I remembered my pocket bible. I put it near me so that when things become elephant for me, I could consult the holy verses for guidance. So, when I settled in the exam room for my first SFB test, I knew that the paper would be crushed with no mercy. That is why I stretched my hands outwards in a bid to intimidate fellows around me. I figured out that my colleagues in class would attempt to copy my answers and therefore I had to employ all strategies of keeping them at bay. Besides, no one was contributing for my school fees and so they had no right whatsoever of borrowing a leaf from my old wisdom. When the tests were handed out to all of us, the invigilator rang the bell and asked us to kick off. I opened the test paper to read through the questions. What I saw almost made me go blind. All ten questions were written in easy and user friendly English. But my eyes simply refused to read the questions in the Queen’s English. Instead my eyes told me that the questions had been set in the Greek language. That is why I put up my hand to ask; “Why have you given us a test in the Greek language?” At this point all other students looked at me in bewilderment. They then let out a thunderous laughter before embarking on the test. As they wrote out their answers on page after page, I was busy trying hard to understand the questions set before me. By the end of the third hour, my answer sheet was blank. I just managed to inscribe my names and reference number before fleeing the exam room as a total failure. So, dear kids – don’t panic. You will pass your exams if you are very well prepared. The 2 kids eyed me from head to toe and made a u-turn for their bedroom to continue revising. As for me, I continued to enjoy my “SFB” - namely; Sweet Frothy Beers…………. Ends