Diaspoman : When hot air was supplied at a Wedding ceremony

As things become more economically tough, it has become tricky for people who are approached by wedding couples for financial contributions. That means that the couple would have to scratch around for funds in order to finance their wedding day. As if this was not bad enough, I must say that guests at the wedding ceremonies have also failed to give some gifts to the couple. If I may be requested to offer free advice, I would suggest that people invest in nice looking boxes which would be used to take to the waiting couple. This happened to me several years ago. It was during the mid 90s at a wedding ceremony. I happened to be the best man on this great day. But I wasn’t best man for so long. In fact, I ended up acting the role of the actual bridegroom after disaster had struck. You see, the bridegroom had tanked many litres of booze at the high table and this resulted into a serious blackout. After this blackout, the bridegroom was towed away in secrecy before he had the chance to officially open the dance. This task was left for the best man who happened to be Mr. Diaspoman himself. Once at the main floor, the D.J played a really cool soft song. I tried to dance at zero distance with the sad bride but her protruding stomach pushed me away! Apparently, she was carrying a real “avance!” So, effectively, I had to stick to the old fashioned waltz, in which my arms had to appear outstretched. I could not rotate her due to her precarious situation. So we simply glided slowly across the floor as spectators chorused along with us. At one point, the actual bridegroom re-surfaced from his stupor and thought that I was the husband to be. That is why he beckoned the master of ceremonies to his side and requested him for “Ijambo” for the newly weds. He told him that he had decided to give “us” two cows! The MC became excited. He then picked up the microphone and made an announcement. He told the gathering that it was now time for gifts. The bride and I stood facing the guests ready to receive presents. Soft music was playing in the background. We stood waiting in anticipation. However, despite several reminders from the MC, no one seemed courageous enough to make the first move. Instead chits of paper were heading towards the MC. These were messages from well-wishers in form of cow donations. We must have counted approximately 30 cows! After more minutes of waiting, we realized that there were no gifts in the offing. Would we go back to the high table empty handed? Should we wait a little longer? Perhaps there was at least one Good Samaritan out there? Bravo! We spotted one lady coming towards us. She was carrying a large brown box. Wow! This must be the real thing. So on behalf of the bridegroom, I extended my arms to receive the package. However, to my total surprise, what had appeared to be 5 kilos heavy was just less than 50 grams. I forced a smile and even proceeded to give the young lady a kiss on both cheeks. As I bent lower, she whispered to me that she had supplied us with hot air. She said that she had felt embarrassed about the fact that no one had come forth with a gift. That is why she thought of giving us an empty box. I lifted the box up in the air to show the masses. To this, the guests applauded. The MC too had started to get worried. He later confided in me that he had never officiated at any wedding ceremony in which no gifts were given. Having noticed that there were no more gifts on the way, the MC called upon the cultural dancers to entertain the people. And with our hot air intact in the brown box, we strolled back to our high table. So, this could be a survival strategy today. Let us invest in brown boxes so that the photographers can have convincing snaps of convincing gifts… diaspoman@yahoo.com