Reflections on sunday : The art of divining

Apparently, last Saturday (21.5.11) has not yet gone. I have it on authority that the old geezer only made a slight error. Harold Camping, the American preacher who predicted the end of the world on that date, read the message in a physical sense rather than a spiritual. So, poor you, the end is still nigh for thee! Never got the drift? There is this man of God who has been predicting the end of the world. The first time, he proclaimed that the world would end on May 21st 1988. That date came and sneaked away silently and the earth did not melt. Six years later, he was back with another prediction. However, September 7th 1994 came and again the world did not screech to a stop. This year, Camping was back yet again. This time he swore he had read his Biblical lines correctly and the world would grind to a halt on 21st May 2011. Some of those who believed him quit their jobs, others sold all their possessions. One mother attempted to kill her two children. Luckily, she was stopped. Today she’d be without her beloved kids because that date came and God refused to dissolve the globe. Which is as well, because the old fogy had another unpleasant surprise for us sinners. You see, God was supposed to pick his select few and waltz them to the glory of God in heaven. As to the non-believers, we were supposed to groan and grouse for an extra five months before being a---kicked into hellfire. None of that has come to pass, so we’re out of the woods, right? Wrong, insists the mossback, and he assures us that this time the whole world will be gobbled up and the date is set for October 21st 2011. Now Camping has broken down his predictions and avers that they have all been fulfilled. On 21st of May 1988, says he, judgement came upon the churches. On 7th September 1994, judgement continued on the churches. On May 21st 2011, judgement came upon the entire world. So, explains he, he got his reading all wrong because he was looking at it physically. Now that he is looking at it more spiritually, he can swear that on October 21st 2011 “the world will be destroyed all together.” Well, good old Camping, I know for sure that your prayers will not be answered. Maybe you should borrow a leaf from our seers of old. In Rwanda, our seers did not risk being proven wrong. Thus, when they made predictions, they didn’t tell you that on Saturday at 6 p.m. you’d meet your Maker. No, they were wiser than that. They made sure that they gave you a vague date so that you had no way of holding wrong predictions against them. Say you are a bachelor and want to make arrangements of how you can get married to your village belle and go for your further studies after putting her in the family way. You pay a visit to your local diviner and present your case: “Oh, all-powerful, all-seeing Diviner who has predicted the birth and death of the earth, can you predict my future?” Knowing that you might catch him at it, the old wiseacre will not betray his ignorance of your future. No, he’ll dig deeper to know exactly what you want, but do it subtly. He’ll clear his throat and examine you at length and then turn his eyes to the sky. Then he will clear his throat again and opine: “Son of my age-mate, I can see that you desire something too towering for my aging eyes. What you desire, say it in your words that it may be better formulated.” First, you’ll marvel at how he seems to know the age of your father. Next, at the fact that, indeed, the area of higher learning is beyond the old seer. By your facial reaction, he’ll know he has impressed you. You go ahead then and present your case. And when you describe exactly what you want, he knows he cannot risk his reputation by giving you an exact answer. So he explains the fee required for a correct prediction: a spotlessly white he-goat of a certain height. He knows you’ll never get a goat of such exact description and, for that, you should not expect an accurate prediction. So, Mzee Harold Camping, that’s the art of prediction if you want to retain your reputation. Otherwise you’ll be discredited like a certain ‘T-O-T-G-O-4’ (otherwise known as ‘Théogène Of The Gang-Of-Four’). This Rwandan wiseacre who has moved tent to your country has been making hysterical yelps about the “fall soon” of the Rwandan government. His “soon”, however, has become like the proverbial tomorrow that never comes.Like the Rwandan seers, he dares not put a finger on a specific date. But like you, he imbibes the Bible. Yet again, unlike you all, he has taken to imbibing none-too-small quantities of alcohol. Mix that with the Bible and tell me the cocktail you get! And the container of that cocktail, do you think it has a place for any sanity? ingina2@yahoo.co.uk