A mindless witty marathon to beat my deadline

It’s an hour to my submission time, my editor is sending me the usual reminders, I have nothing, been sick with flu and have nothing much to say. While I was in bed, I was reading a book of witty remarks which I will plagiarise in a minute. There is no pattern to the story about my friend, let’s call him ….. Ricky. He is getting married, he is a real Lovebird. Lovebirds are faithful provided they are locked together in the same cage. He wants success, but what is success, success is a man who earns more money than his wife can spend, a successful woman is one who can spend her hard-earned money and yours too. It is a price you have to pay for happiness and comfort especially if you have children. As much as men complain, budgets are generally well-kept. My friend described it as like being in the army “just keep quiet and follow orders and you’ll get your meals on time and they look after you.” Having an overspending wife is always a source of good jokes, like a friend of mine “Some guy stole our check book, but he is spending far less than my wife, so he can keep it, because he is actually saving me money.” That is the irony, women are superior beings, biologically far more complex, intuitive, and analytical but they have to marry beneath themselves, and we have to make it as comfortable for them as possible, despite the jokes. The ideal marriage would be between a deaf man and a blind woman, he wouldn’t tire of her nagging, and she wouldn’t see what he was really doing. Socrates said, marry a good woman and you’ll be happy, marry a bad one and you’ll be a philosopher. The chains of marriage are heavy and sometimes needs three people to carry it. Arguing is all part of a marriage, my grandparents only had one argument in 55 years, but it lasted for 55 years. After all those years Grandpa said “No man knows women better than I do, and I know nothing.” Him and his wife had words but he never got to use them. In all their times divorce was never an option, murder yes, but divorce no. In a marriage it only takes one to quarrel, the other just listens. A key skill in a marriage and long-lasting relationship is to be able to feign interest, or sift out important info from the barrage of information. With my last girlfriend I learned to remember just the last sentence she said, so when she went “what did I say?” I was ready and covered. If men absorbed everything a woman said then we’d go crazy so we just have to divide info into urgent, miscellaneous and pointless. You can never know when a piece of info jumps up from pointless, to miscellaneous, to urgent, evidence of lack of love and selfishness. And ….. done. ramaisibo@hotmail.com