Diaspoman: When scrambling for back benches was the norm at ceremonies

I was so excited when a colleague invited me for his introduction ceremony commonly known as “Gusaba”. I was happy because my throat was on the verge of tasting those frothy products from Bralirwa. So, I did not waste any time at all. I hit the road and joined the rest of the guests at this posh Kimihurura house where the function was taking place. As soon as I arrived, I was taken straight to the front seat where a host of all tribes of booze was decorating the high table! The ceremonies had begun! Everything was great! The ice cold drinks and the ever lively MC made everything superb! Then things became questionable when the cultural dancers arrived. They came in throngs raising the dust as the drumming and clapping filled the air. While the dancers thought that their jigs were entertaining people, the truth of the matter is that they were repelling guests as far away as possible. This is because their bodies produced a sweaty, hot and acidic smell that sent ladies scampering for handkerchiefs. Those ladies reached out for their handbags to pull out tissues so that they could cover their delicate nostrils. Sometimes that smell was so bad that tears started rolling down the ladies’ cheeks. What happened in this function took me back to the mid 90s when wedding ceremonies tended to repel guests due to the commanding and piercing emissions from the dancers. Those were the days when ushers encountered problems at wedding ceremonies. These ushers would beg and urge guests to fill the front seats so that they could get a better view of the wedding couple. However, despite the pleas from the ushers, guests always decided to sit behind so that they were not attacked by the artillery of dancers, whose armpits harbored coal-like whiffs. So you would find a wedding hall with empty seats at the front and yet the benches behind would be jam packed. Guests would be fighting to sit behind yet the front rows were empty. In such circumstances, you would see the bride and bridegroom take for the exit pretending to go for a dress change. If the couple was the type which was loaded with cash, they would change clothes three times. At least that would give them a breathing space in which plenty of oxygen would be inhaled so as to chase out the dancers’ lasting presence. More than 15 years down the road, I was not amused to see such a well organized cultural troupe spoiling my colleague’s ceremony. I felt like marching to the MC and requesting him to cancel the dancing part. But thank God, the dancers did not stay forever. After the ceremony, I advised my friend not to invite this group to the wedding day. Otherwise, he would witness a real scramble for back benches as guests attempt to escape from this terrible wiff! diaspoman@yahoo.com