Dealing with a hard mother-in-law

Every girl feels like they are over the moon when getting ready to walk down the aisle. It’s every lady’s dream, preparing for supposedly the biggest event of their lives, to get ready for the honey moon at probably a destination that is usually a surprise and generally starting a new life with the love of their life. Normally, all goes well until you meet the mother-in-law who turns out to be a monster-in-law if bad luck hits you. Definitely, not all mothers -in-law are bad but some have proven to be good at making sure the daughters-in-law curse why they got married to their sons. Whereas there are those that are blessed with heaven sent mothers-in-law, there are those that are just persisting but if wishes were horses they could change their mothers-in-law. However, not all hope should be lost because that relationship can be redeemed and both daughter and mother-in-law can live in harmony. Don’t hit her back A 27 year old lady in Kabeeza who preferred anonymity says her mother-in-law is the worst woman in the world. She attempted everything including witchcraft and even accused her of seeing other men. All this was to make her marriage fail. “My husband was a mummy’s boy and the only son at that. She acted jealous of every good thing he did for me, you could think she wanted to get married to her own son. I refused to treat her the same way she treated me and after sometime she had no choice but to just accept me as her son’s wife and treat me well,” she explains. A good relationship with a mother-in-law is achievable even when they tend to be hard people to deal with. They might yell at you, sulk whenever they see you and say all kinds of evil and hurting things about you but the wisest thing to do is never to hit back. She might speak ill about you just to entice you to hit back or speak back just so she can say you don’t respect her. Respect and treat her well regardless of how she treats you. If both daughter and mother-in-law fight back, then the wars will never end and at the end of the day the marriage might be ruined just because one failed to play peace-maker. Inviting them to stay over This might seem so mean but could save your marriage. It’s better to have them far away to sustain a good relationship than having them over which might lead to something disastrous. Teddy Mutoni (not real names)34 years, a nurse who resides in Kanombe, says that she and her mother-in-law had a very good relationship when she had just gotten married to her son but after a while her marriage became a disaster. “She loved me so much and even offered to stay with us after I had our first baby so she could nurse me and help look after the baby so I could go back to work. After sometime, she brought in her own rules and wanted me to do things her way. She would accuse me of being disobedient to her just because I disagreed with her at times. My husband is so close to the mother so he believed everything she would say,” adds Teddy. Inviting the mother to visit or stay over wouldn’t be a problem as long as it’s for a short while. Mothers have a way of doing things and they might be a little rigid demanding that you do as they wish. One might want to create a bond or build a relationship with their mother-in-law but having them to stay over is not the only way to do it, it might as well just ruin the marriage. Men do understand that it’s not easy to maintain a good relationship with mothers-in-law. Ideally, instead of having them stay over, one could just agree with the husband to pay the mothers a visit every after a fortnight. Having the two of them stay together or spend a lot of time together could be a lethal combination that might lead to marital disharmony. Communication is key In order to keep any relationship intact, communication comes in handy. Communication is very vital in every relationship so it’s always good to sit down and talk about all those issues that are likely to cause bad blood between mother and daughter-in-law. Often times, both parties keep quiet even when they have issues with one another. These tend to build if not dealt with early enough and the best way to resolve those issues is through communication. “When I was getting married, people told me that mothers-in-law are very bad people and that I should keep a distance from mine. My mother-in-law turned out to be a very good woman and in fact she was closer to me than my own mother. We loved each other so much and shared about everything. Whenever we had any disagreements, we sat down and talked about them,” says Adella Rutagyengwa, 63, a resident of Kicukiro. “At times I had to compromise with what she wants and leave my opinion out just to avoid wrangles. But the ladies of this day and age want to show their mothers-in-law that they are educated and therefore superior to them. They don’t want to talk to them or listen to their advice and therefore leading to the stereotype that all mothers-in-law are very bad,” adds Rutagyengwa. It’s not enough for one to be at peace with the hubby yet at war with his mother. It might not also be helpful to play the blame game with no one accepting that they are the ones in wrong. At times one just has to take the blame, apologize, always communicate and discuss any issues that might spoil the daughter and mother-in-law relationship. m.kaitesi@yahoo.com