How to revolutionalise your relationships

Couples world over, including those here in Rwanda celebrated Valentine’s Day in style. Some of Kigali’s night spots were painted black and red as most couples there were clad in dresses with the two colours. You could think it was school uniform. Don’t forget that supply of flowers and other gifts in stores didn’t meet the demand. It was a day some couples were happiest since the year began. But not all went well with some couples and Carine, 35, a mother of two, was one of those who say they didn’t get attention from their spouses. “My husband who works upcountry could not even send me a love message,” cries Carine, wondering whether her once sweet man has lost love for her and seeing a ‘potential rival’. If you are experiencing Carine’s situation, you don’t have to worry. Marriage and dating counselors contacted by this writer gave some ideas that could revolutionize your love life: Acceptance Accept yourself as you are and accept the person you’re dating as he or she is. After all, the key to contented living and satisfying relationships is the recognition that perfection is never a criterion for worth and value. So if you have some imperfections, it’s pointless to hide them. Let them become apparent and then get about the task of self-improvement. Acknowledge your baggage Realize that everyone has areas that need work. Cut yourself some limp and while you’re at it, cut others slack, too. No person’s self-worth is determined by their degree of perfection or imperfection. In any relationship between lovers or friends, the person who gains a clear perspective on herself or himself is always viewed as the healthiest, the most attractive, the one others want to be around. Create an atmosphere of honesty Honest people are thoroughly accepting of others just as they are. Since they can admit their deficiencies, they make it possible for others to deal openly with their own struggles and problems. Because they do not present themselves as flawless, they remove the pressure for others to live up to impossible standards. Withhold judgments Those who are highly accepting are highly attractive. We love to be around people we know aren’t judging our worth and evaluating us to see if we “measure up.” The opposite is also true. People with a high degree of perfectionism, an extreme belief in their own correctness, and a desire to find a partner with similar traits, are less likely to describe their dating relationships as satisfying. Seek fulfillment - not perfection As psychologists explain, “There is a difference between looking for something that is healthy and satisfying and looking for something that is perfect. The difference is that healthy and satisfying exist; perfect does not. As such they advise that your relationship should contribute to your life and to the life of your partner. It should not be expected to provide you with someone who agrees with your every thought and preference or who can fill your every moment with joy. Seek fulfillment and you will find it; seek utopia and you will be looking forever. Become the person you desire If you want to find someone who will be a great lover and a great friend over many years and decades, look for a person who is accepting and accommodating. And if you want to create the conditions for a fabulous romantic relationship, cultivate this quality within yourself. Accept your own faults and foibles, and extend this same grace to those closest to you. Adopt a ‘you first’ attitude If you notice that the person you’re with shows little regard for your wishes and opinions, is intent on getting his way, doesn’t ask about your life, and consistently displays a me-first attitude, you’re probably in the presence of someone more selfish than selfless, more bigheaded than bighearted. Unselfishness is central to any successful partnership. Ends