Diaspoman: Why Mr. Waraje enjoyed Holy Communion

Last week I told you about Mr. Waraje and his unquenchable love for Uganda Waragi. What I didn’t tell you was that Mr. Waraje also happened to be an ardent Churchman. His favourite moment during the Church Service was Holy Communion. During this time, Bwana Waraje would really smile; not because of the opportunity to confess his sins, but due to the nice tasty red wine that he was about to share. Being his good neighbours, Aggrey and I would always go with him to Church on Sunday mornings; having had several litres of booze the previous night. For Mr. Waraje, there was no better way of washing away sins than taking Holy Communion. He usually kept his best attire for Sunday Service. The clergy respected him so much, and that is why they ushered him to the very front bench. Being a stubborn guy, Waraje would occasionally request for a chance to give a testimony. With his bloodshot red eyes, he would stand in front of the congregation and start speaking: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to confess to you that I have been derailed by Satan! He has been teaching me bad manners such as boozing and smoking. But today, I am a changed man! I really need your prayers so that the demons can leave me once and for all. Alleluia!” At this moment, the Reverends and Church elders would kneel down to pray for this lost sinner. First they would ask him, “Which demons would you like us to chase?” He then answered “Please try to chase away the demons of amoeba from my stomach! If you chase them away, I promise that I will never visit Béa’s joint again”. The clergy then moved in to lay hands on him. They prayed and requested the Holy Spirit to come and wash away all his sins. And as a sign of this, all confessing Christians such as Waraje would participate at the holy table where by they would drink some red wine, a symbol of Jesus’ blood. Since Aggrey and I were too afraid to confess our sins before the congregation, we were not allowed to join Mr. Waraje at the Alter for Holy Communion, but sat back and joined the rest singing Christian songs. Mr. Waraje testifies that the more wine he gulped, the more demons would flea from his body. After Church, Waraje would be seen outside hugging parishioners exchanging blessings and generally having a wonderful time. On our way home, we would not be surprised at all when Waraje negotiated his car towards Béa’s joint where he would proceed to gulp some cold bottles of Amstel. This lifestyle continued until one day Waraje’s expectations were dashed. One Sunday, after confessing his heart out, it was time for Holy Communion; this time, instead of pouring red wine, the clergymen filled Waraje’s cup with Ribena. He lifted the cup and after mumbling a short prayer, he swallowed all the contents. Suddenly his eyes opened wide as he crazily ran out of the Church. He spat out all the Ribena and cursed out loud! “I will never visit this Church again”… Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com