Diaspoman: Why cheap lifestyles can sometimes be a thorn…

I was one of the people who cherished living a cheap lifestyle. Unlike my fellow Diaspomen, for me it has been a simple life of rice and peas; of Amstels and brochettes – of boda bodas and twegeranes! This is not the kind of lifestyle for a true Diaspoman. A real Diaspoman usually hangs out with the buddies in top circles. They are usually seen around places like the Serena hotel or at the Manor in Nyarutarama. Diaspomen tend to speak the foreign language with a heavy Muzungu accent. When they shake your hand, it is like a pair of pliers squeezing your fingers. In the process, they narrowly avoid biting their tongues, as they twist them in a bid to create a Ruzungu accent. Well, for me, I have decided to play it cool. I have seen my fellow Diaspomen struggle to keep up appearances. Usually, their pockets are half empty and yet they have to meet those exorbitant costs when the bill is presented. The amount on the bill can make the faint hearted collapse. One glass of wine could probably pay school fees for the primary three nephews and nieces in Mutara. So in order to maintain these standards, my fellow Diaspomen resort to “de-toothing” relatives, friends and in-laws. They always come up with these brilliant ideas on how to make quick bucks in a jiffy. All you need is a small amount of capital and in a few weeks, you have a hefty return on the investment. Just start off with a small amount of fifty thousand francs. Make sure you deposit on this bank account and immediately send the confirmation by e-mail to this address. Within a few weeks, your account will have double the amount you deposited. Weeks pass by and there is no positive reaction. Instead your bank account is minus fifty thousand francs. When the e-mail is finally answered, there are yet more problems. They want you to bank an additional thirty thousand francs, before the whole deal is completed. If you are daft, you will find yourself heading for the bank to deposit additional funds. This is how Diaspomen are surviving in this beautiful city of ours. As for yours truly, I have resisted the temptation of living like my fellow Diaspomen. That is why I always try to dodge Aggrey whenever he wants me to escort him to expensive joints. I fear that soon, my enemies will start calling me Aggrey’s Kadogo, as I follow him everywhere and every time. That is also why I save half of the allowances that he has been giving me ever since I came back and settled in his mansion. He gives me some funds in the name of transport and lunch as I continue to search for jobs. But as I later discovered, it is not always good to avoid expensive places. In fact, cheap places tend to become the most expensive ones. I realized this when Aggrey recently suggested that we go for a haircut. I agreed and he drove all the way to Kiyovu of the rich. The owner was so happy to see his client and quickly ushered us in. When I saw the pricelist for a haircut, I whispered to Aggrey that it was too expensive. Why not go elsewhere? Aggrey brushed my idea aside and decided to stay. As for me, I dashed out in search for a cheaper saloon. My cheap head reminded me of a favorite saloon that Aggrey and I used to visit in the mid 90s. So I mounted a boda boda and headed for Nyamirambo. At the saloon, it was the same old talkative chaps that were doing the usual great job of trimming peoples’ hair and beards. I sat on the creaky chair and they started chopping off my hair. I asked them to cut off everything, “Jordan” style. I was cherishing this moment because I had saved some more quid. I was going to pay only one third of what Aggrey had given me for the hair cut. I was looking forward to comparing my hairstyle with his and prove to him that cheap places could be better than expensive ones. But alas, it was not to happen. Without prior warning, our electricity company decided to “couper” the power. The generator that was located in the far corner was nothing else but a decoration. We waited for one more hour but no power was forthcoming. With half of my hair clean-shaven, I sneaked out of this damn place and rushed back home. Thanks to a Good Samaritan who lent me his hat for the rest of the day! diaspoman@yahoo.com