Shem’s Idle Notes:

My Little List: Causes of Marital problems No.10 - Sex frequency Infrequent sex is perhaps the most common marital problem. Married couples periodically stop having sex for all kinds of reasons: resentment, exhaustion, stress … To break a sex slump, try eliminating all the sources of stress in your wife’s life. Help with the housework and the kids; create a calm stress-free environment for your wife. No.9 - Division of household responsibilities Gone are the days when we can consider men’s work and women’s work clearly delineated categories. Men are just as likely to be captains of the kitchen as women are. You could help, or you could let her do everything. Be reasonable. Don’t let one person do all the work. Divide the chores, preferably taking up tasks she hates doing in exchange for those you don’t like. No.8 - She’s let herself go Some women let themselves go out of shape after they get married. Maybe they lose their incentive to stay fit once they’ve bagged a guy. Maybe they have trouble bouncing back after having a baby. Try working out together. Take up an activity like jogging or cycling. Help her get back to shape, instead of letting it become an issue. No.7 - Unwillingness to have kids Traditionally, most people see children as a necessary consequence of marriage. But sometimes, one of the partner’s doesn’t want to have kids, or is not in a hurry to do so. Rethink your plans; you don’t want to have kids, but she does. Maybe you shouldn’t have married her. No.6 - Difference in parenting philosophies The life of a parent is a constant struggle to find a balance between keeping kids in line, and being a good parent. So what’s your parenting strategy going to be? Difference in parenting philosophies is a serious cause of marital problems. Presenting a united front to the kids is probably the best way, and loving them is even better. With love, the kids always turn out right. No.5 - Inability to have kids This is serious. Infertility can totally derail the vision you shared for your future. It’s a source of resentment and possible hatred. Before getting married, prepare yourselves for the potentiality that kids might not happen; then, if they don’t, you’ll be better prepared to deal with it. No.4 - The in-laws In-laws can introduce some serious tension into your relationship. Recognize that it’s very easy for you to be critical of her in-laws, but not as easy to see the stress your family causes her. Every family has its own brand of insanity, and your family probably stresses her as well. This is a compromise, so keep your calm. Be respectful of her family and she’ll be respectful of yours. No.3 - House stress It is expensive to find good accommodation, and it comes with its hassles of furniture and settling in. Go for something affordable, there is no need to impress her anymore, you already have her. Work together to find accommodation, and how to furnish it, so that you don’t have to bear the stress alone. You are now a team. No.2 - Financial stresses The source of your money woes could be almost anything, from the fact that you always have to pick up the check at dinner to the fact that she possibly earns more than you. Money may be the thing married couples fight about the most. Talk about your money issues. Be forthright and honest about things like your debt and adopt a policy of transparency when it comes to handling the finances. No.1 - Boredom Spending almost every waking moment with the same person for the rest of your life may alternately seem comforting and terrifying. Probably the thing you worry most about is getting sick of one another. It’s to be expected that every so often your marriage will fall victim to boredom. But boredom isn’t as hard to beat as you might think. You can keep things fresh by taking up new hobbies, traveling to new places together and by trying new things in the bedroom. Simply put, find ways of rediscovering each other. Ends

Lifestyle

Shem’s Idle Notes: