Humour: The Villager: “Africa as compared to S. Africa”

Believe it or not, this is no place for a villager like me to be, every thing moves in the sixth or even eight gear where as back home (there), everything seams to move in the first and second gears only. Let me categorically draw the distinction between South Africa and the so called “Africa”; in reality, Africa is a continent that lies along the equator and falls between the two tropics, Tropic of Capricorn and that of Cancer (I suppose that is why we are having lots of cancer cases now a days). In our school days, we used to describe Africa as the land mass that lies south of the Sahara and north of the Limpompo, I suppose this phenomena must still be holding lots of water. Talk of water and it reminds me of the heavy rains that are ravaging Southern Africa (Malawi , Uncle Rob’s Zimbabwe , Mozambique) and now threatening the Republic of South Africa . Don’t get me wrong, “Zuid Afrik” is the real name of this country, we the Africans want to Africanise this country so that we can eventually claim it as ours and so, we call it South Africa but wapi, the truth is sour but needs to be said, this country is a European enclave at the bottom (not the vulgar one) of Africa. I cannot even think of where to begin and where to end, I suppose, I should start with the beginning and I end where time allows me to, this place is really “giganomous”, the eyes stretch to the horizon without any end. As soon as you begin the descend to Jo’burg, there is an amazing view of “spaghetti” roads, buildings, sky scrapers, name it; when you land, there is a remarkable view of everything your eyes can gaze at. Here, the saying of “Not all that glitters is gold” is rendered null and void because every glitter and shine is a result of the gold that lines the “stomach” of this great city. The roads are either dual carriage or quad carriage (dual for two and quad for four), there is no road intersection on major highways. Their roads are named in three categories, the “M”, “R” and the “N”. All these categories are referred to as the “Freeway”. On the freeways, there is no crossroads, no pedestrians, no cops but just the drivers and their gadgets of course monitored by cameras and other hi-tech devices. I was told by a friend that, the whole of Jo’burg enjoys a staggering four thousand Robots; yes, that is it! Ah, I had forgotten that, many of you do not know the Zuid Afrik slang, a robot is the equivalent of“Feurs Rouge” or Traffic lights. These filter the vehicles and discipline the drivers, in case you pass a red robot, there is a camera ready to capture the image of your vehicle and it would send that to the nearest “Brigade” (police station) so that they can send a “Defect of Law” to your residence without any further delay. God must have answered these people’s prayers, imagine being stopped by an over zealous Traffic cop, wanting to have a mere glimpse of your driving licence or even to ask you why you are driving while wearing “rugabire”, as if si uburenganzira bwangye kwambara ibyo nshaka? (its my right to dress as I wish). I sometimes wondered how a Kigali cop stops me at night and demands for my “perime”, I produce it, he proceeds to the front of the car, uses the head lights to examine it but forgets to examine the “picture” (face) of the purported owner! You know, I could drive at night using my brother or neighbour or friend’s “perime” without any cop noticing it. As for over speeding, unlike in Africa, this country has a combination of very good roads and equally good cars. It is amazing to note that, most of the cars driven here come fitted with a two hundred and eighty kilometres speedometer unlike ours that have a maximum of one hundred and eighty kilometres only. This is not a joke; recently, (a few days ago) a government minister appeared in court on charges of over speeding, he was caught driving at one hundred eighty kilometres per hour. On a similar knot, a DJ has his Porsche car confiscated by the state because he was found over speeding. The Porsche comes with a maximum speed of three hundred twenty, he was caught driving at two hundred eight seven! I suppose he wasn’t driving any more but flying! When caught, his “perime” was cancelled and he was advised to try and get a Pilot’s flying licence! Maybe then, he could use the air space instead of the roads. If our traffic police were deployed in Jo’burg, they can stop each and every car on the road and charge them for over speeding; imagine, Lorries and semi-trailers all move in excess of one hundred twenty kilometres per hour yet back home, the maximum speed allowed on our roads is just eighty kilometres per hour. It is ironically highlighted that if you are caught driving below one hundred kilometres per hour on a major highway, police will charge you of driving slowly on speedways!Amazing isn’t it? E-mail: Mfashumwana@fastmail.fm