A critic of mine sent me a condemning email this week suggesting that I should ‘throw in the towel’ because as things stand, I am no longer the charismatic, strategist and ballistic hunter. Since I did not agree with his suggestion one single bit, I informed him that I am not ready to ‘throw in the towel’ because I have not bathed yet. I hope he knows wharra-mean. For your information Mister, every aspect of life has its ups and downs and hunting is an aspect of life. Give me a big break! As I had told you last Sunday, I have decided to change tactics from those of Mr. Hare to those of Mr. Hyena. Since birds have learnt to fly without perching, I have also learnt to shoot without missing (definitely, pun intended). As I was telling you, birds are very intelligent creatures and are good at observing and taking ‘informed’ decisions from their observation. By observing and studying the behavior of hunters for a long time, they realized that they are an unserious lot (much more like donkeys) when it comes to issues of marriage and need to be pushed to do anything in this regard. They realized that it is easy for a hunter to approach a bird and say ‘I love you’ but find it very difficult to later say ‘I do.’ That is why birds decided (I am not sure whether they held a conference to make a declaration on this or they did it through that mysterious network that naturally exists between them) to take drastic measures against hunters. They have decided that if a hunter approaches a bird to declare his ‘love’ for her, the bird should never take things for granted. Rather, the bird should be the one to take it up from there and make sure the hunter walks the rest of the journey, even if it means her dragging him. Like mzee kijana, birds have proven that they can walk the talk and their declaration is already in practice. Many hunters are now domesticated because birds can no longer take any crap from hunters.Things have become so bad to the extent that my good old friend Tonto KK has been caught up in the fray and is now a hostage awaiting eventual domestication. Whether he will go through with the process is another story but the thing is, Tonto KK is a hostage and he seems to be playing along albeit with some difficulty. I hahad when I spent some time without receiving a call from him asking me to meet up with him for ‘one-one.’ I was even more surprised to bump into him at a weekend spot and, surprise! Taking coffee! He was in the company of two birds and I immediately sensed that something was terribly wrong. From the look on his face, Tonto was very relieved to see me although he looked reserved and did not want to say much. He invited me to take the vacant seat and I did so anxiously. I was eager to know what the problem was with him. But before I could start throwing probing questions at him he cleared his throat and said: “meet my girlfriend.” I almost choked on my drink because he said with the absence of that cheeky smile that I am accustomed to when he is just being him. Realising that this was not a joke, I said it was a pleasure meeting her and her friend who Tonto did not introduce and started thinking. Tonto had gone back to being serious- probably labouring to play the serious ‘boyfriend.’ All this was amusing and I could not help but feel pity for both of them. I knew for a fact that Tonto was feeling very uncomfortable playing this role and therefore would not continue for long. As for the bird, I pitied her because she did not know who the real Tonto is. She was feeling triumphant that she had taken a hostage who she would transform into a future husband without knowing that the hostage she had taken was in fact a hard-to-domesticate character who was only playing cool to achieve something and then he would break out and be free again. As I was amusingly watching both of them basking in their bubble, Tonto KK asked if he could see me outside for a few minutes. I knew this was coming. I excused myself and followed him out. After making sure we were out of earshot, Tonto KK was like “man, I am so glad you came man. Things are tight as you can see. I know you are a planner. Please, help me out of this maze.” First, I laughed and laughed till I coughed. I told him not to worry because I knew exactly what to do. We went back to join the birds but Tonto KK’s face was now shining with assurance and this prompted the ‘girlfriend’ to ask what had transpired. Of course in her triumphant ecstasy she could not in any way suspect what was coming to her. See you next Sunday. Ends
