Booze got me dumped

Four glasses of red wine in my belly, an attractive 22 year-old girl sitting on my bed, a soundless computer playing Scarlet Johansson’s Match Point, soft rock playing from the opposite room, a perfect Sunday; a young man’s average dream. It’s 11:45 pm in Kigali and I’m drunk. Consolata has returned to her home and I’m now alone in my room, trying to record what transpired during the last five hours. At 2 pm on Sunday, Consolata came to visit after church and found me having lunch with my brother and four neighbours. As if according to my wishes, one by one everybody left till I stayed alone with her in the small three-bedroom house. The feeling seemed mutual as she enjoyed my company much as I did hers. However, after taking the third glass of that wine, I wasn’t concentrating anymore on what she was saying; all I could see was her kissable lips, her curvy hips and her sexy cleavage. After a short time, we decided to go to my bedroom to watch a movie. Although I knew that my computer had had a sound problem for close to a month, I didn’t hesitate because I knew good things were bound to happen the moment we entered the room. Consolata may have been an ardent fan of the bottle, but she suddenly rejected my proposal to get her a glass of wine. Instead, she opted for a bottle of tonic soda. I immediately rushed out and handed my remaining coins to the houseboy so he could rush to the shops and buy a tonic soda. When I returned to the room, Consolata was looking more and more attractive and after my forth glass, I calmed myself down besides her, our toes caressing. As we watched a mute Match Point, I narrated to her how the love triangle in the movie would lead to infidelity and a murder. She seemed very interested, and whenever the rated scenes came up, we got closer and closer. When the tonic soda finally came, I again tempted her to try it with a short glass of wine and after some hesitancy, she finally agreed to my request. However, she asked why I was insisting that she take the wine, to which I admitted that I intentionally wanted to get her drunk just to see what she could do. Before I knew it, she had taken a second and a third and then she started looking every inch just like me… dead drunk. Suddenly I heard the bedroom door open and when I turned; I saw the most horrific image before my eyes - my girlfriend just stood there, looking at me with bloodshot eyes and breathing heavily. “I am…we… are coaching economics!” I said, even before she could ask any questions. Like many other evenings in Kigali, this one was also marked on my calendar as a day not to forget. Ends Line of Alcohol • “Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we shall die.” -• “Don’t drink and drive, you might and spill your drink.” • “Booze is the answer. I don’t remember the question.” • “Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.” • “A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”• “The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.” • “Writing is a lonely job, unless you’re a drinker, in which case you always have a friend within reach.” • “I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.” • “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” • “I think hangovers are the body’s way of telling us we didn’t drink enough to still be drunk when we wake up the next day.” • “Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. Take the girl’s”• “Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren’t poets.” • “Don’t bother trying to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns out they’re apparently against all three.” • “Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors — and miss.” • “I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.” • “Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.” • “When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.” • “There are more old drunkards than old doctors.” Compiled by Pelagie N. Mbabazi