Indeed learning is a never-ending process but when it comes to learning about the fairer sex, learning goes beyond eternity. Yes, if you dedicate yourself to studying human birds, you might end up dying miserably ‘illiterate’ because as you progress, you will be constantly disappointed to realise that the more you think you know about them, the less you will actually do. I have actually heard of anthropologists and sociologists who took it upon themselves to pursue a study that has baffled even the greatest thinkers of all time, and ended up taking their own lives out of disappointment, anger and frustration. I believe that Nature created human birds with the aim of using them as the natural balance of the universe.He created them to be mystic so that their unpredictability would confuse men into submission, thereby rendering them less chaotic hence ensuring relative peace and tranquillity on earth. Why else do you thing the creator has decreed that men should endeavour to find a pair upon attaining adulthood? That is because men are at their worst when they attain maturity and therefore need to be tamed. Imagine this world without birds to reign in overly ambitious, murderous…rumor mongering…treacherous, conniving, scheming, rapist….men! Being an eminent hunter, I am quite aware of the nature of birds and I have never tried to force myself to try and understand them in anyway – this is why I am still surviving. If every hunter knew that it is extremely dangerous to try and tamper with the nature of birds, I am sure there would be more hunters than the handful in existence I n the world today. Actually, a great thinker who made bold attempt to penetrate the no-go zone of the birds’ mystic nature wrote this before he died of cardiac arrest resulting from hypertension: “If you want to live forever peacefully with a bird, try not to judge or understand her. Just love her and care for her unconditionally.” This cost the poor brainier his life but it is disappointing to know that his legacy and advice has not been heeded by many hunters. Many contemporary hunters are foolhardy and vehemently try to ponder their heads as they try to understand the ironies of birds - why they do all the things they do. “Why are they selfish? Why are they nagging? Why are they so patronizing? Why are they so irresistible? Why are they so uncontrollable, why are they infallible…...” My many years of hunting have taught me that when it comes to birds, silence is not the only ship home because to them, silence is a sign of culpability. To birds, hunters are guilty until proven ‘guilty’ and forced to ask for pardon. Yes, to them, a hunter cannot be proven innocent because they can never be – perhaps this is one of the mechanisms installed in them by nature to keep hunters under tight check. If you want to appear ‘less guilty’ to a bird and therefore enjoy some degree of peace of mind, you have to play dumb. This way, since the birds were not equipped with internal- feelings- and -thinking detectors, they will let you off-the-hook for as long as you don’t give yourself away by trying to play smart. But I have discovered another valuable tool that can be used – not to understand birds- but to ensure they are also served with a dose of their own medicine. I happened to stumble on this tool by accident but it has proven to be very effective. This tool is nothing new only that to achieve the desired results, you have to be very cautious. This tool that I am talking about is jealousy. Birds hate competition especially from fellow birds and can do many things including embarrassing themselves when faced with competition. Surprisingly, even when a bird has no much interest in a certain hunter, she will suddenly be seen to care, threaten the other bird with death if she happens to see that there is a bird that is interested in him. And this is all genuine – perhaps one of the few things they do without faking. To confirm that this tool indeed works miracles, I went to visit this bird that I have been chasing for some time with little success. She has been dillydallying, pretending to be smart, telling me that she knows hunters of my type, blah, blah blah. When I arrived at her flat, she opened the door for me alright, but she kept playing safe, going on with her house chores and only talking to me when I asked her something. It is then that I whipped my gatoroshi out of my pocket and went through the ringtones and made it seem like someone had called me. I then put it on my ear and pretended to be talking so romantically to a bird on the other end and continued watching my victim. “Yes darling, oh, I miss you too! You can’t imagine. How is London, yeah I saw your message and it really made me miss you so much. Are you serious you miss all those things….” The bird dropped a glass and it smashed into pieces. I said, “hold on a moment...” and went over to console the target bird for the broken glass. It is then that I found out how much the ‘phone conversation’ had done a lot of damage. “Hey, go back and continue with your phone conversation,” she dismissed my show of concern. I told her I had hang her up when the glass fell but she seemed not to hear anything and she looked genuinely angry. “Who was that?” she asked. I spent the next 30 minutes under questioning about the bird on the other end of the line until I managed to convince her that this was an ex living very far away. Things normalized and her attitude towards me improved all of a sudden as I assured her that she was the only thing that mattered to me at that moment. Birds! Ends
