Getting her the best present

I was watching a documentary the other day on new capitalism in Moscow. For those not in the know, capitalism in Russia is only 21 years old, so if you are 22 and above, then for sure you are older than capitalism in Moscow. Anyhow, in the show, we saw this businessman in a mall where his rather avaricious and capricious wife was busy raiding a Versace shop to the tune of spending $700 (frw 410,000) on one dress alone. The man groaned. “Does it worry you that your wife is blowing so much quid on designer attire?” the British interviewer asked the groaning Russian. He laughed: “ My wife, Ludmilla, she is lovely, and I am Muscovy mogul. She can spend as much money on clothes and jewellery to look as lovely as lily”. “Then why are you moaning, if not about money?” the interviewer asked. “It is Saturday. But because it is wife’s birthday today, instead of just giving her credit card to blow, I have to spend maybe seven hours in this stupid mall (in the name of showing love) helping her to choose dresses”. It is a fact, shopping malls and supermarkets fill men with great agitation, and we really do detest choosing gifts to give to our partners. As you read this, I am probably agonising what gift to buy my beau. Her birthday is next week, and the thought of shopping fills me with sorrow, as it does so many men. So what gifts are there for us poor guys to get our damsels? The easiest that comes to mind is chocolates. For the more romantic among boys, growing up, if you liked a little girl you gave her sweets. Little girls grow into women, but the candy urge never really goes. Like peanuts to men, so are chocolates for the chicks. There’s a downside, or should I say ‘melt-down’ to chocolate. If she gets used to it, when the relationship is going bad, she’ll chew it as comfort food. And that’s a BIG problem on your hands. Another cheap but forever-meaningful gift, if you have the gift, is giving the woman verse or poetry (romantic lines). What better way is there to serenade and seduce a lady, than the use of sweet words? If written out, the better, because the women treasure these. Girls love flattery, and you would be shocked how many grown women have a secret carton of those high school love letters, some with the most ridiculous lines like “meatball of my heart” and “you are the only perimeter on my fence.” Corny but true. ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, and this bunch of flowers, lover, they all are for you.’ A Hallmark card with cheesy lines like those, delivered in a riot of roses, will always warm the cockles of a damsel’s heart, brothers. You want to know why? Because all women secretly think that in a former lifetime, they were either butterflies, flamingos or a flower. When the truth is that some were crocodiles in the Nile. If you are a man of dear gestures, monetarily, to ‘your dear,’ then hear, hear. Diamonds are forever, gold is good, and nothing says ‘forever’ and puts you in a woman’s good books like jewellery. But if the woman says ‘hasta la vista, baby’ someday, and glittering in jewellery you bought her, drives off into the sunset in the Rav4 you bought her, you really will feel like a fool. Some men think it’s cool to buy women they barely know bare attire as gifts. Nothing says ‘pervert’ like lingerie from a near stranger. If you really want to play it safe, stick to the old Saturday afternoon movie, followed by candlelit dinner (and ‘kabenz’ joints with candles to clear the flies just don’t make the cut, Signor). A man I know once bought this woman pet fish. When the relationship collapsed and they were splitting their assets, he took the water and left her the fish. The best gift I ever bought the beau was a decoder, now I can watch those soccer games in the comfort of her couch. So what will I get her next time? A perfume called ‘Poison Ivy.’ dantos2002@yahoo.com

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Getting her the best present