Diaspoman : How Diaspoman almost ended up at the alter

Man! Recently, I got myself a soul mate, who wanted me to help her go back to school. But when she told me that she wanted school, I thought that she wanted a bottle of Skol beer! Wow! This was my kind of friend peee! So, when we went to a nearby pub for a drink, she was shocked to see me order for Skol beers. Her mind wanted to say no but it so happened that her throat was as thirsty as mine. Before she took a sip from her glass of beer, she confessed to me that such drinks always made her a little bit emotional. For a moment, I thought that she was just joking. I thought that she was pulling my leg. I thought that she was just teasing me. WAPI!!! Indeed, after 3 huge bottles of Skol beer, my soul mate immediately forgot about her initial plans of going back to school. Instead she was here barking orders to me; “Can we get married next weekend!” Ehhh…married? Hell no! At this point, she burst out in a prolonged cry mixed with screams! People around her started to get concerned and posed tough questions to me. Meanwhile, my lady was busy yelling “are you going to be the next ex-boyfriend? What have I done to deserve this really? Why don’t you want us to get married?” Amidst all this chaos, I tried to beg her to leave but she stubbornly refused. She insisted on taking one last bottle for the road. After that round, she ordered for yet another bottle for the potholes. By midnight, she could hardly stand upright. I had to pay some waiters to help me carry her and dump her in the back seat of Aggrey’s car which I had borrowed. I then dropped her back at her University campus before speeding off for my much needed rest. It was at 4am the next day when my Karasharamye cell phone rang. It was none other than my funny babe. She had called to tell me how much she loved me and how grateful she was that I had proposed to her! WHAT? PROPOSED? Before I could put forward my protests, her units ran out. So, I waited till morning so that I could use a Tuvugane phone to call her for clarifications. She must be crazy! I never ever proposed to her. This is a real trap, isn’t it? At 9am, I crossed the street to use the Tuvugane phone at the nearest kiosk. When she picked up the phone, she was all over the moon! She sounded so excited! “Yes Diaspoman, I am so proud that you have selected me from all the other girls. So, I have just booked the venue for the wedding meetings. Bisous! Bisous!” Again before I could talk, the phone line was disconnected. Almost immediately, my phone was vibrating with calls and messages. All the messages were from friends and foes congratulating me about my engagement. They were all supportive and they were all promising me both financial and spiritual assistance during this wedding preparation period. It seems I had been hooked. There was no turning back. I told myself that a man has got to do what a man has got to do! That is why I also sent SMSs to my friends thanking them for their support. I also re-confirmed the wedding meetings – time and venue! In my mind, I was already hatching up a plan. I was convincing myself that I could collect all the money received from well wishers and divert it into something different. I could use it for a mushinga instead of tying myself to this mad drunk! That sounded just great! Okay, so we prepared to attend the first wedding meeting for Mr. Diaspoman and Miss University. We identified a cool location which would be the ideal place for all walks of life. It would be a place where booze would be flowing like water. So, here we were! The Chairman for the wedding meetings was none other than Aggrey himself. Aggrey proceeded to open the meeting. He requested one of our balokole friends to first lead us into a word of prayer “Dear lord, we pray for Diaspoman and Miss University so that their forthcoming marriage would last forever! We curse the demon of poverty! We curse the demon of sickness! We curse the demon of laziness! We curse the demon of drunkenness…….” It was at the mention of the word “drunkenness” that Miss University stood up in protest. She spat out in anger! “Why are you cursing our favorite booze? Is this what marriage means? I QUIT!” As for me, it was a miracle. The cursed demons had refused to flee. diaspoman@yahoo.com