Proudly a “Mummy’s Boy”

I am a “mummy’s boy”, always have been, always will be. By “mummy’s boy,” I mean that I love my mother, cater to my mother, and I am proud to be my mother’s son. I am fortunate to have grown up in a home with a mother, to have had her love and guidance on a daily basis. I am acutely aware that many women, and men, do not have the benefit of mothers in their lives. Some don’t know who or where their mothers are. Some who do know would rather not. But my Mum was there, day in and day out, through the good, the bad and the ugly. My father passed on when I was 4 years old, and Mum was left to raise four children; two daughters and two sons. She resisted pressure from people to divide us up and let various ones rear us. Several years now, she’s still single. She has struggled to educate all of us, give us a good life and above all, raise us God-fearing children. With four children in the house, Mum had to referee intense conflicts, and most times she lived in hormone hell. This came up as a result of having to play both roles of Dad and Mum and fit in them perfectly. But she took pride in being Queen of her modest castle. By no means was our home perfect, but it was home and there was love. Money was tight, but food was plentiful and clothes were clean. There were chores, discipline, rules: Respect elders, go to church, study hard, keep the house clean, and stay away from bad habits (at least that is what Mum decreed). And you have to graduate. On more than one occasion, Mum preached the importance of education so that we could get a job and “not have to depend on anybody.” What she didn’t say was that once you get that degree and that job, then you can think about getting married and starting a family. It was understood that having a baby before getting married, and getting married before finishing college, were unacceptable. I didn’t realize it then, but life was not “normal” and sometimes not even sane in our household in small-towns like Mbarara and Kigali, but lessons were learned and values were instilled. As in other neighbourhoods throughout the community, many families on our street were not headed by mothers, but it wasn’t until I went off to secondary that I grasped the concept and the pervasiveness of single-fatherhood households. In far too many small towns and big cities, mothers at home were and are not an exception. I feel that the absence of a mother is the root of many social ills. People believe that when mothers are involved in the upbringing of their children, the children behave better, are more sociable and earn better grades. Research suggests that a strong mother-son relationship within the context of a strong marital and parenting relationship predicts the child’s academic and career success. A mother’s support promotes a son’s social independence and encourages upward mobility in educational and occupational levels in adulthood. Mothers are found to “protect” their sons from strangers, the wrong crowd at school, and girls (later women) in general. It’s believed that their nurturing and care makes boys feel good about themselves, to instil self-respect so that their sons will not get involved or stay in unhealthy relationships. It is said that men choose women like their mothers, and women choose men who are like their fathers. That may be true to some extent. Like my mother, my partner will have to value family, be principled, have a sense of humour, be loving and caring, prides herself on being able to make decisions (whether she can or can’t), and has a strong bond with her offspring. (There are numerous differences, but that’s another story.) Boys look to their mothers to show them what women value in men. Some sociologists say that if a young man’s mother rejects him, he will seek a woman to meet the unfulfilled needs. If his mother is warm and nurturing, he will look for a lover to equal her. If a mother thinks his son is handsome and masculine, he will be inclined to see himself that way. But if he rejects him as unattractive, he is likely to carry self-image problems into adulthood. A man’s relationship with her wife also is greatly influenced by the way he viewed his mother’s authority and her relationship with his mate. The bottom line is that mother’s make a significant difference in the lives of their sons, in the lives of their children. We learn from mum’s deeds and words. We learn how to interact with the opposite sex, lessons that follow us through life. Mothers make all efforts to make sure the household is happy, though we need more fathers to take financial responsibility for their children. We also need a father’s emotional support and his love. jeav202@yahoo.com