Kabanda’s Musings

When European “gods” visited African families You are blessed, if you are a Mediator (Umwunzi) in your community and your clients listen to your advice. Many of us never get to know what Mediators, whether on social or legal matters, go through. Last week I was thrown into the position of mediator thanks to my Dearest Datiliva and her church members who decided that she and I should become mediators in a family which needed our assistance in matters that involved the spirit, the body and other things. With such amount of trust, there was no way we could let down the family which needed our mediation and we became mediators, thankfully for a day, only. The family did not have problems, beyond the expected, until the head of the family ‘saw the light’ and decided he would avoid burning in hell by being born again, thanks to a Preacher who must have been anointed. The problem was that for the man to be accepted as ‘a saved one’, he had to dismiss one of his two wives he had spent decades with. ‘Satan’ came into the family through the woman (it was said) when she ‘failed’ to give birth to a boy after producing ‘so many’ girls. Out of pity, she had decided to encourage (and even prod) her husband to marry another wife who would produce a son to inherit his wealth. The man heeded the encouragement and married a second wife; half the age of the first and together they have many boys and girls. There had been no problem until the man decided to prepare for the afterlife. For the man to be baptised and considered one of the flock, he was to send away one of his wives and confess the sin publicly. The man had failed to decide on which wife to chase away and threw the problem to the wives to sort it out by deciding who should become ‘single and searching’ in her old age. The women failed and the man appealed to his congregation for assistance and promised to abide by the advice he might receive. The congregation decided that my Dearest and I would give the advice as mediators to which Datiliva thanked the churchgoers, though, I thought it might have been advisable if they had chosen an elderly couple that has reached a stage where married people reach agreements by going along with what ‘the other’ partner decides. Datiliva and I seldom agree on one course of action.On Sunday, the eve of meeting the trio, I proposed that my Dearest and I have a preliminary discussion but she said the answer was obvious and so in the morning when they came, my Dearest and I were unprepared in regard to the mediation service we were expected to offer. The man told us that he had sleepless nights and prayed over the issue but he failed to choose which of his two wives should be sent away. The older wife said she was willing to go away because she had ‘no more energy remaining in her’. The second and younger wife said she was ready to go away because she had “fallen on top of the family” of the first wife. Datiliva said she agreed with the second wife; she had found a family and then “annexed” herself to it. The first wife had priority and therefore in case one had to go, the second wife had to be the one. She said the children should remain with the father. I asked the man who is in his sixties whether he loved his wives and whether the love was reciprocated to which he answered in the affirmative. He said it was breaking his heart that he had to send away either of his wives. I asked how old his wives are. The first one was in her mid sixties while the second one was in her forties. I then gave my verdict: he had to keep both wives. The old man exclaimed something in ‘tongues’; the wives looked as if they had been told that their prison sentences had been cut short and were free to go home while my Datiliva jumped from her seat as if she had seen a poisonous snake wriggle next to her. The old man said he was nearing his end and wanted to put his house in order before he met his creator. He was willing to stay alone, if need be he said, by sending away both wives but he did not want to remain with sin. The younger wife said she could not imagine leaving behind her children to anyone other than the older wife. Datiliva said it was the younger wife who had caused problems and her departure would solve them. I asked the older wife where she intended to ‘go’ after leaving her marital home. She said she would go to her only surviving daughter’s home, where she would stay with her son-in-law and his family. She said there is no surviving member of her ‘original’ family apart from nieces and nephews. The second wife said she would go back to her father’s home “and become a child again.” The old man muttered something under his breath. I said God gives mankind salvation and hell at the same time. For either of the two elderly women to become a destitute, would be condemning her to hell on earth and that could not be God’s plan. Neither of them had the energy to do what they could have done as young women and should therefore stick to their marriage. Datiliva said God allows one woman and man in marriage and anything else is sinful in His eyes. This generated murmurs of support from the old man. I said God created man and women to fulfil each other and anything that takes away their fulfilment and joy is satanic. I said separating one elderly person from her/his marriage when she should be enjoying her marriage in old age is sinful. My Dearest stood up and said she always knew my Christianity was skin deep and my argument that a man with two wives could be saved showed that I was not committed in my Salvation. I said I always thought that her being born again was for public display and not based on Scriptures. Datiliva said the Bible mentioned people who would not receive Salvation but would also others. I said if Jesus could forgive a prostitute why would not forgive a woman and her man whose union was approved and blessed by the parents. She said it was blessed and approved by heathen and ungodly Africans. Datiliva said whenever Jesus forgave a sinner, He would say, “go and sin no more” therefore if the old man had seen salvation, he should sin no more by keeping two wives. I said the Bible mentions that we are saved by faith and not our works and it does not matter whether we are circumcised or keeping the thing, whether we are Jews or Gentiles but faith. Our works cannot save us, but broken hearts and forgiveness. The two wives nodded in agreement. Datiliva said all I was saying was African chauvinism and lack of God’s Commandments and the trio should not listen to me. She said salvation would be secured by sticking to one wife and one husband. I said one-man-one wife was a creation of European gods just like celibacy and Africans should be saved the way salvation found them, those with one wife should marry more wives and those with two should neither marry more nor ‘send away’ their wives to destitution. Sending an old woman into destitution; away from her children, husband and home is satanic. By the end of the discussion, those who had sought our mediation were unsure which advice they might take. Datiliva and I could not agree as always. I envy those mediators whose advice is received and accepted. I envy more, couples that agree after a discussion. Ends