Reflections on sunday : The days of authentic oracles!

I am not particularly tickled out of my sobriety when somebody kicks a ball. Which means that I followed the World Cup, especially as it took place on the African soil, but was not among the overly mad fanatics of the game. Even then, this year’s world cup held a special fascination for me. And the fascination was eight-limbed! It is this fascination that enabled me to amaze friend and foe, as I seemed to have special powers of prediction. Fans who’d not caught on to my source of voyeur-vim could not understand how I was able to correctly predict the wins of the teams. Yes, you guessed right: I’d heard of the world cup oracle before them. There was an octopus guiding me! I’d heard of the world cup pundit from Germany as early as 2008 when, during the UEFA tournament of that year, he was able to predict almost all the performances of the German team. No, during the 2008 Union of European Football Associations tournament, the psychic octopus’ predictions were not 100% accurate. However, the cephalopod mollusc may not have been to blame as he had just been hatched – I guess he’d not yet honed his skills. I’m made to understand that octopuses mature in two years, and that may explain why he did not make a single mistake this year. So, when two food containers were placed in front of him for the final game, one bearing a Dutch flag and another a Spanish one, he determinedly sauntered towards the Spanish flag. Et violà! And the prediction contest was not particularly shone of competition, even if none of the other oracles got anywhere near foreseeing the world cup champions. There was Leon the porcupine who picked Australia, Petty the pygmy hippopotamus, Serbia, and both Jimmy the guinea pig and Anton the tamarin who favoured Africa by picking Ghana. There was Mani the parakeet, Octopus Pauline, Octopus Xiaoge, Chimpanzee Pino and there was also African Red Hog Apfesin. So, quite a ‘multi-national’ parade of different animal species in a crowded market and yet our octopus prophet ‘showed all of them dust’! It is said that octopuses are possessed of nine brains, a far cry from the paltry possessions of humans, but we have to hand it to our octopus for out-performing the others. It’s a pity our hero is already due for retirement. My songs of praise, however, should not be construed to mean that I’ve not seen better predictions. In my youth, everybody used to be their own clairvoyant. For instance, if I wanted to know which of two teams was going to win, all I needed to do was to approach each of them separately and ask each one a simple question: “Team, did any player among you sneeze on waking up this morning?” If there’d been one single ‘sneezer’, I’d give the team the thumbs up and confidently go and announce the team that was going to trounce the other. Also, suppose any of the players told me that in the morning they had happened to knock their right big toe against a stone (gusitara), then I’d announce to the team: “Cheers, boys, you’ve bagged the trophy!” Or, for instance, if Andres Iniesta came to me and asked: “Your Heralding Highness, I had an itch on my foot this morning, how is our team going to fare?” I’d quip, with all the confidence of a distinguished diviner: “Son, go ye softly and avoid a hard tackle, for ‘tis thee that’ll steal the winning shot!” And, as sure as egg follows chicken, the winning goal would come to pass, issuing from the protected foot of the Spanish player, and Spain’d go gaga! And, by the way, ‘talking is skipping’ (Kuvuga ni ugutaruka!). You might not be aware that that centuries-old riddle has been cracked. You know, the ages-old question: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Listen to this: “The scientific and philosophical mystery was purportedly unravelled by researchers at Sheffield and Warwick universities, according to the Daily Mail Newspaper. “The scientists found that a protein found only in a chicken’s ovaries is necessary for the formation of the egg…. The egg can therefore only exist if it has been created inside a chicken.” But back to our instincts for prediction. If one’s instincts did not foretell a future happening, one could indeed turn to the creatures of God for assistance, like in this case of the Germans. You are up early, for instance, because you are a player in Mukura Sport and there is a game with another team. As you are walking towards the stadium, you see a rat crossing the path towards the right. Ask me to predict and I’ll promptly shout: “You can as well start celebrating!” There were many ways you could get communication from animals and birds about what was going to happen. The combination of these communications, of your own body and of other creatures, determined your decisions and guided your actions. Otherwise, the whole global community relying on one octopus that can’t outlive two years? Eh! ingina2@yahoo.co.uk