Humour: The Villager: Happy New Year fellow villagers!

Allow me to begin by wishing you all, a Happy New Year full of honey and milk. As we usher in this new object, a Mzungu calls a year, I cannot seat and keep quiet about the whole issue. We have learnt to copy so many things form west all in the name of civilisation and modernisation. One of these days, we shall see the “MOCK” (members of the Chain keepers) wearing stones (or bricks for that case) on their heads in the beauty craze. Anyhow, we or rather I, together with some friends waited for the new year in anticipation of the acclaimed “fayawakisi” (fireworks), where hilarious explosions are sent sky high to explode and light the skies but wapi. True, from where I was, I saw none, if you saw them, well and good. There was this feast at Kigali Intercontinental (as some of us call it) though its name has changed to Serena Hotel, here; one was expected to part with a cool fifty thousand Rwandan francs for a good evening out. This was baptised as the ushering in of the New Year in style. I could not raise that amount and so, I did not attend, though rumour has it that, the Diaspoman and his friend Agrey were there in full effect! I have now decided to take life as it comes, no more hassling over the New Year and its associated evils like New Year resolutions and the like. Talk of resolutions and it reminds me of a friend who was such a lover of the members of the opposite sex, or any object that was dressed up in feminine attire. This guy originated from the slopes of Mount Elgon. Word has it that, he would sometimes go to bed a “good boy”, but later in the night, he would have a funny dream (you know what I mean), there and then, he would wakeup and head for the “love market” to buy himself a “quencher” to make him sleep again. On other days, before heading for home, he branches off to the “love market” to buy a one for the road before going to meet his wife. This fella knew his problem very well; he tried to find a solution in the New Year’s resolution. One day, on the last day of the year, he decided to kiss his old habit good bye. He made a resolution that, in the New Year, he was going to be a “saint” in as far as “away matches” were concerned. Come night of 31st December, he went for the “two year’s dance”. This dance is called so because, it begins in one year and end in the next and hence the name “two years”. I am not trying to be blasphemous, but just as was the case, on the night Our Lord Jesus was about to be arrested by his enemies, he told one of his most faithful disciples that, before the cock crows, the disciple would deny knowledge of Jesus three times and so it was. In this case, as soon as the year was ushered in, this gentleman was busy ushering it in style to the extent that, he had trace passed onto “privatized property” and was caught “red handed”. This brings me to the conclusion that, making any new year’s resolution is just a mere farce. So many people resolve never to smoke again or never to touch any more alcohol etc but then, in the short run; they err and forget their resolutions only to fall back into their old habits or even worse. Watch out, making resolutions that you may not fulfil tantamounts to deceiving oneself. Did you know? Much as whites celebrate Christmas, Easter etc, the French do not do so but chose to celebrate the New Year’s Day. The French are very staunch Catholics but cannot bring themselves to celebrate the two most important Christian days because they were first celebrated by the English. The English on their part do not celebrate New Year’s Day because the French celebrate it. Is this not very funny? Yet, we African are busy “Xeroxing” (copying) everything the “Mzungu” does none selectively. There are African Americans but no African Europeans, the writing is black and white. Let us learn to be ourselves. I, on my part have never made and I hope never to make a fool of myself making New Year’s resolutions because so and so makes them. All the same, my new year seems to be good, I am not complaining at all, I only pray that, our brothers in Kenya can also attain some peace because, going by the news, they are living in hell. E-mail: Mfashumwana@fastmail.fm