Aunt’s corner

My 15-year-old daughter confessed she is pregnant. Her father and I are upset with the news. My husband wants her to go stay with my mother, but I want her to stay with us. My husband says that our daughter has brought shame to the family and I am to blame for not raising her with morals. Moreover, he says, if she stays she will be bad influence to our other daughter who is only nine years old. I don’t want to lose my daughter and yet I am tired of arguing with my husband. What should I do? Mama Colette. Dear Mama Colette, The news that your teenage daughter is pregnant must have left you shocked, angered and disappointed. Many times, parents blame themselves. They also worry about how other people will perceive them. They fear their family will get a bad reputation. This is why many teenagers keep their pregnancy a secret and, instead of consulting their parents, run to their peers for help. Today’s youth are exposed to too many negative influences, especially through TV and the Internet. I see your daughter’s pregnancy not as her failure but society’s. Many children in urban areas spend a lot of time watching TV and other media because their parents are busy looking for money, thus falling prey. It is fortunate that you are aware of the situation early- since most of them hide until when it is too late. Cool off first then talk to your daughter –– openly –– about the issue. She needs to be involved in any decisions made about her future. Decisions about who will care for the baby –– will the baby’s father be involved? The person to take care of medical and nutritional needs should be discussed. Your daughter has made a mistake but that does not mean she is incapable of making sensible choices about her life. Soon she will be a mother and she must learn how to handle that responsibility. Sending her away may give the signal that you are embarrassed or rejecting her. She needs your support as a soon–to–be young mother. No doubt she is suffering emotionally. She has fears such as becoming a mother, going it alone, rejection and her body changing. This will not be easy for her. She also needs to get medical examination to determine if she and the baby are healthy. Eating healthily is also vital. Peer counselling may also help your daughter to open up and share her feelings and allow her to know what others have done in similar situations. It is important also to deal with your own feelings about your daughter’s situation. Your daughter is not the first teenager to get pregnant and neither will she be the last. As for men, your husband is not the first man to put blame on the mother once a daughter conceives out of wedlock or in teenage years; I ask you to bear with him, for he does not know how it feels to be pregnant and abandoned. Even if these changes were not expected, you may find eventually enjoying taking on the role of being grandparents. Ends