Dealing with a naughty child

On Labour Day, I did not have any plans for the day and so I went visiting a friend in Kimironko. My friend and his wife welcomed me and we settled for an easy day, talking about this and that. Their five-year-old twins-Samuel and Leon were conspicuously absent. I casually asked where they were. ‘Playing with other kids outside,” was their mother’s reply. I excused myself to go to the bathroom at the far end of the house. I was surprised to find the boys suspiciously huddled in the corner. They had smeared toothpaste, and shaving cream on the walls, toilet seat and on the long mirror. From the expressions on their faces, it was clear the naughty boys knew exactly what they were doing. They were silent when I asked them why they had messed up the bathroom. Their mother was very embarrassed. She admitted the boys were ‘very naughty’, and her efforts to ‘straighten’ them had failed miserably. She had resorted to smacking them but it had not helped much. I recalled attending a seminar on good parenting where a child psychologist said children would not be children, if they were not naughty from time to time. Even then, I thought naughtiness like that was beyond the limit. Indeed the expert had acknowledged this and argued that when it goes beyond, it could be a symptom of deeper emotional problems. The dilemma for a parent is how to tell which is which, and the best way to deal with naughtiness of any kind. My friends were in this kind of dilemma. Child experts say that from around 18 months, a toddler starts to become aware of her/him self as a separate person. In order to gain some independence, she/he will kick at you if you continue pushing her as a way of saying ‘No’ or to assert itself she/he is going to do something and you do not allow her to. While it may rightly appear as just naughty disobedience, it is also a necessary stage in the child’s development. She/he is desperate to be big and get her/his independence but in actual fact she/he is very small and helpless and gets humiliated. Wise parents, look for ways of going about it so their child does not feel humiliated too often. Experts advise parents to, for instance, ensure items like cosmetics are placed out of reach. In other words, childproofing the house to avoid always telling the child ‘don’t touch that, don’t do that…’ while at the same time allowing the child enough freedom to explore. You can also divert this energy by taking the child out to a game where you chase each other. This brings us to the important point that often children misbehave because of being bored. You recall that advertisement by the manufacturers of OMO washing powder, dirt is good for the child? Small children need creative, messy play sometimes and for your information, dirty does not mean naughty! The point here is that while children must be taught limits, they need the space to be ‘naughty’ and will not let your tidy house be, unless you offer them one corner and let them do their mess there. Another reason for naughtiness is jealousy. Jealousy consumes small children, which trigger bad behaviour as a way of expressing their feelings. For instance, when another baby comes, the first child who was very nice suddenly turns into a small ‘ghost’ haunting his mother. They revert to the behaviour of a toddler or become disobedient and demanding and often violent. They are not willing to give up their monopoly on mum, which they have exercised over time. You should help your child to manage his or her feelings rather than protecting them from the experience. This means you embrace the child’s feelings without allowing him or her the intolerable behaviour. A child will also exhibit open disobedience or rudeness as an attention-seeking behaviour. He or she would rather be shouted at than be ignored. Sparing some special time every day for this child to shower him or her with full attention is therapeutic. It is important to understand that children need to have limits and it will be your responsibility to make family rules and be firm on them. A daunting task it is for if you are too lenient, they will literally walk over you and when you become too strict you may crush them. Again if you are stressed up, chances are you will explode at the slightest disobedience. dedantos2002@yahoo.com