Juggling your ex and new love

Most of us will have at least one relationship behind us before we meet the love of our life. Although most break-ups leave us nursing broken hearts, we often keep memories and phone numbers of our x in our phone, head or hearts. Now that you moved on, the problem is your new found love is uncomfortable with your ex’s lingering presence in your life. When Jim broke up with Nina his love of six years, they decided to stay friends. “I’ve been with Nina for more than six years; she wasn’t only my lover but also my best friend. When we broke up we decided not to throw our amity and all those years in the trash-bin too. So we decided to stay friends, so we kept in touch; we used to call each other and sometimes meet and share a cup of coffee,” he narrates. When I started dating, things got out of hand. Marion, my new found love, would sulk for hours every time my ex called. These calls and other minor things, rubbed her the wrong way, she would boil whenever Nina’s name was mentioned. I tried to explain that Nina and I are just friends and that we are done for good, we only keep in touch because we are human. Marion refused to understand; finally I was forced to cool off with Nina. It’s a year now but I still resent the fact that I had to give up my best friend to keep my girlfriend,” Jim laments. Most women believe men can’t just stay friends with their x girlfriends. “I don’t trust men with their ex, they will always meet and ‘have one’ for the old times’ sake”! says Lilly Kabatesi, a business lady. Though it’s your decision to keep or not to keep your ex as a friend, you must also consider your new partner’s views. Try to put yourself in their shoe if you are a man and your girlfriend kept receiving calls from her x and met him, how would you feel? Gerald Musoni, 36 and a dentist, had this to say, “Remaining friends with your ex is a sign of maturity and a test for trust; the way we deal with our past tells people who we are. The ex is an ex for a reason; since we decided to split that means we are not compatible. Why would we try to revitalize the old flame?” he inquired. It’s advisable to be upfront with your new love and explain why your ex is special, assure your partner that they are the one you love, and if it comes to choosing it will absolutely be her/him, give her or him a reason to trust and believe you, after all ‘love without trust is like a fish out of water’. It’s better if you are of the same mind with your partner on what’s best for both of you. “As long as they are not too close for my comfort, I wouldn’t mind my man being friends with his ex,” says Miriam, 24, a graphics designer. Before you make a decision to remain friends, always make sure your ex is completely over you and doesn’t have any feelings for you, because if they do, they might try to sabotage your relationship. Things you shouldn’t say or do Never comparing your ex with your present partner, it will only create detestation between them. Saying, “My ex used to do this,” or “if it were so and so they wouldn’t mind,” can only rumple the flimsy relationship between the two. Never tell your new love about you’re ex.’s bad habits and other weaknesses, if they are wise they’ll know “who tells you about others, tells others about you.” If something goes wrong with your relationship don’t keep going to your ex for advice, sort it out with your partner.Praising your ex all the time can easily awake the demon of jealousy in your partner. Jealousy is one of the worst feelings to have, it doesn’t only affect you internally, it can make one do things they will live to regret. Don’t be careless with other people’s feelings, if they don’t complain it doesn’t mean they are not hurting, limiting your calls and meetings can help settle the ruffled feathers. Ends